last night i didn't sleep all night from 23:00 when a kitten or a mom cat was meowing for mom or kid till 4:15.when I waked up and run out of the door to look for it,the sound stopped.I can't find it anymore.I tried eveywhere,lots of possibilities,but nothing shows up.it makes me very very sad and bad.the connection between them,and the love between them make me move,but nothing about them is changed by my behaviors.

I aborted after being raped.and the pains losing baby is more painful than being a victiim.criminal can be punished by laws,but pains on heart and memories in head can't be healed by law.more cats i help and more people I like them to have love of families,to stay with families well,it can not heal my pains and change my memories,although when their lives have changed into good directions make me feell good.but after everything comes back again to me,I feel the wounds keep corrupting deeper and deeper if i stop help others to feel love of families,to have joy for be together, this thought keeps me helping them for healing myself.I'm not a good person,or kind.actually very selfish,very lamentable.when they thank me and say good to me I feel nothing but know that everything I do will not send me to heaven,but always damn to hell.cause whatever how many cats I save how many people I help,i can't bring my baby back and it can't come alive.but only when i die I could see it someday.

I know that.all I do can't pay my sins, especially on my baby.sacrifice,atonement aren't a deal or business.

but when I see what I have done make something change,and someone get what they deserve,it makes me feel that it's worthy to do it,although nothing changes on me.it makes me feel that i'm still be loved,even curse and blame can make me feel better, feel alive, can willingly accept that the only one who is corrupted and mad is me,and the others and the world is doing well.but I can't go to hell for what's right,who want me to be in hell for right things is demon,not God.when I born to be good, why force me to do bad?