In Chinese culture, it says when families die,at least in 1~3 years, can't gjve or have fun,can't join in party or marriage,can't visit someone who have babies especially whom are new born,to avoid bringing them unlucky and negative effects.and especially no porn, no sex.honestly this month I think I could make more money by them,but grandma's gone, I want to follow the rules of Chinese culture but want to live on by making money also.it makes feel perhaps she never loved me by her death to stop me doing porn shows,it's good perhaps, stopping sex in public for money.but I'm still angrily sad if it's true.cause wherever she is now I still feel she's with me.but now i have times to stay alone and think of something for a while .

I gave dad 1,000 money to pay internet fee of next year on this March.yesterday he just paid it and bought a new spy router which is communism Huawei's to harm me.I feel hurt.he asked for money from me,the router is charged for 300CNY by communism  China Unicom co. which is only 149CNY online stores.then he told mom that I didn't give him money to pay the interent of next year,the money I gave to him was for the last year.I have paid internet fee for 3 years.thus year it's his worst behavior to cheat my money and frame me and forced me to eat his fucking cake which was refused by some communism rich for his birthday ,just because he doesn't want to waste his money when he knows I spend hours every day to lose weight and keep diets. I indeed think my best wish for him it is tell him go to hell sometimes.but when I remind that he told me some ancestors of his had blue eyes and golden hair ,when I think of the face of grandpa on mother side who looked like a Jewish when I was a little girl, I calm down and stop cursing. I could not involve someone else in it when I can't do anything. Perhaps it can explains why mom told me who's a girl that the cousin who raped me had circumcised when he's born, when I asked her back why,she looked nervous and frightened and said because it's just too long, and so called that too many things I don't know about families on mother side, it's one of them when cutting foreskin of babies is very rarely in 1980s in China.

July 1 is Chinese communism Party's day,August 1 is Chinese communism army's day.October 1 is Chinese communism country's day.why there's no Strongness day of China when Chinese are strong enough but too weak to protect an asshole communism Party in China!!! All Days are only and just about communism and Chinese communism Party when they always say China is Chinese's country which they use for abandoning every time?! But if it is country of Chinese ,why all Chinese need to celebrate all days for communism Party instead of their own day ? shouldn't Chinese have celebrated their own day!!! I just wanna a home,family,and marry and rise up a baby and have a peaceful freedom life to breath, a safe place to hide, a great world to stay, why having to live on by sex which is supposed to do with a bf and my husband by depressing of communism, foreigners and even Jewish,I'm an unworthy nobody with no plenty virtue who doesn't even deserve anything or rank, there's still something else for such a me to do and fix,finish ? 

From the very beginning communism in China is just a mistake.Everything for it after that is only trying to fix it by more mistakes until it crashes down by itself.

How could it be good at first as what you told me, dad?