Just feel so tired.

If everyday all I I have to see parents' face and their unnormal attitudes and repeated words as communism brain washed on Tv, I would indeed like to suicide.it's much more better than staying in hell instead of suffering it in real life.

From Staurday, I wake up at 5 o'clock and went to markets to bought food for them, for cats scerectly and a Pepsi for myself.then for lunch I went to buy him a cold beer in 35c weather and ice cream for them.they were happy and dad even took naps with smiles on his face for the first time these two days until right now I got a flash light for cats and he saw it. he started to piss off and ordered me to throw it away which is bought by my money and told me to do something serious when I'm almost 38 years old , and questioned me that do you feel being wronged to buy food for us, you don't eat what we buy, or you don't drink, or use, he sounds like what mom said to me in the past which hurt me a lot.

I told him that I didn't, I felt proud that I did something for them and take care of them when he didn't do to his parents and he left home for being a communist when 18 years old, or other kids who don't do anything to their parents but only care about themselves and communism careers. and I still have chance to do anything I want, and I can. but I feel it's not right that it's only less 48 hours for having a good weekend, they forget everything good and happy in 48 hours and start to have full of angry, fury and resentment so fast again,just because next day will be monday for working again? Or need to corrupt back his soldier who he's proud for his daughter passing the exams to study in communism college by 2,000CNY when they even don't like to give me a penny for me to survive when Mr fox did? 

I asked him that if I don't eat what they buy, or drink, will he be happy? will they be satisfied?he told me to fuck off as far as I could. I never get closed to him or their hearts if they have, even when he dated with some other signal mom with their kids  in cinemas, in parks and KFC until mom noticed it and piss off on me instead of him. I never have good times with any family , if I do I would not become like this, my life wouldn't ,neither.if someone do serious things in its whole life, are they still humen? I feel I should not live so long to see them turning into this bad. but for cats, I don't think so. I thank cats that they save my life, they make me live on for taking care of them,because I feel I'm like a human when i do.dad also said everybody who live here knows I send food and water to cats, I asked him, doesn't it matter when they don't even care?I would be happy to give everything I have to anybody here if they could make me happy, feel safe and right.but it can't make me treat them like treating cats. They aren't cats.and I'm not their family. it's written on their twisted faces.because I'm not communist, or love communists who they are themselves.

I'm not hero like some Chinese abroad who look like fighting back Chinese party of communists online and in lives, or someone who have balls to escape abroad from China,they choose freedom,I am enforced to leave my home .I'm only someone who is isolated, bullied and hurt by each other and communists especially my parents every day,every second, every time for being requested, threated and left behind to feed communists instead of homeless cats, dogs,trying to help homeless poeple, if necessary I have to sacrifice my life.

When there's love, there's freedom.I don't choose freedom when I still have love in my hearts for what and who I love to take care or be like someone else who use corrupted things to look for freedom. corrupted things should not be used for having freedom, and can't get freedom by corruptions, it's not right for me. I'm isolated by any other, it doesn't mean I'm free, I think. but when i make my money by freedom, i can't leave something and someone who need helps alone . so I can't save plenty money for myself, actually I couldn't make enough , neither. so I would like to help others instead of helping myself.

they call me Unfilial kid first, they say because I don't get a decent job and big money for them when I take care of them everyday, everytime when they get mad and drunk. i tell them, no, I'm filial for my own behaviors. then they bought a job in communism military and enforced me to do it, and after I was in, they ordered me to keep working on it.they call it being filial to them and feel very proud of me doing it. for me it's not filial for parents, but being slaved by senior communists.and as I know all communists are not filial, especially dad who even didn't see his parents several times when he's young and mom stopped him to do it and got mad, because she thinks it's betraying Chinese Party of communism which are they parents.even now when I tell them CPC is bad, they look like being cursed for their own parents.to be a communist can never be filial.and they want me to be filial by giving them money only.they can't be filial, but ask me to be, and they twist being filial into making money for them to use.they are communists.

I think I know why they piss off on me everytime for money.I'm their tool man,their communism career,communism property and communism dream.because from my birth they have been corrupted by other communists and Chinese under my name,including families.when Chinese are born, families and friends and even strangers would give money to new parents, especially when they are senior communists.they know they would pay back, but it's rule, they often receive them instead of refusing anybody from offending them.getting communists'money, they must sell themselves to do everything for them,including making their only daughter to be or to be enforced and cheated to be listed in Chinese Party of communism, isn't it selling me to communism?after selling themselves, hearts and souls to communism, they sell their daughter to it. I believed that they say life's tough and they had to survive,have to take care of me.taking care of me by selling me to demons? communism lies always be the same, telling that they always do everything for you when it's only for themselves.they corrupt others by money, too. they believe if I could be senior communist, the money would be back , even more money.so they try best to kick me into the communism hell, to make me a communist as possible as I could.after I quit communism jon, they except that by my marriage they could get some money back which they corrupt others for their kids'weddings, or by my baby's birth. dreams always are beautiful when reality is cruel for communists. for me communism dreams are worst than cruel reality whatever how much it could be. I don't wanna to be a dream,especially communism dream which is nightmare. China dream isn't a dream under the control of communism, it's person, it's communist.it's anything it can be. be careful, American. be careful, world.God bless you.

if I can't stay away from communism, or communism doesn't disappear but still exist, i would never have a normal life.

perhaps I'm someone like my parents who use homeless cats , dogs even people to make money.sometimes i'm scared of it, if I am them. perhaps I would never leave China and start a new free happy life.It's fine, because if I'm that kind of people, if I'm a communist like them to use life instead of loving, careing and respecting it, it's my own punishment.I deserve.