{10-06,1-30,2022}

'I do not get crazy because they don't love me, but because I love them.'I wrote it down 12 years ago in my diary.And i burned them down today,and pray Mr fox will be fine in last examination to check if cancers all gone or not.

Between do something for the others or for myself, I don't always choose the second one.

Cheating someone to believe something is easy, but changing someone not to believe something is hard.or why nobody tried to stop so many Chinese believing in Mao and Chinese Party of communism who's as evil as Hitler and Nazi?

Everybody has secrcts to success badly, I don't have secrcts, but I still can't success badly.

When there's another world for dead, undying can't be in this world,neither.

{8-35,1-30,2022}

always feel sad when people get together happily in China . more they are , more sad I am.today is not colder than yesterday, little warm, but cloudy, looks like snowing soon or rains. Perhaps for the others I'm more communist than them it's why they call me freak or sired and stay away from me , and I'm not as same as the others.it's why I need to leave them alone, to leave here.lots of details point to truth for the secrects of both sides of my families.now rape, history of my city,love Japanese comics and culture,stubborn, cousin's dad buys him an apartment room beside the mountains which used to be graves, short bodies of kids on mother side, I love cats and mom says it's a shame, makes me guess if families on mother side or grandma had been raped by Japanese who was in China as soldiers in ww2 or not.why people call each other family and friends when they always keep the truth from each other, shouldn't families and friends always tell truth to each other and being transparent in everything? If they lie to each other, why they call each other families and friends again, and use lies to benefit themselves and harm each other to death? Is it funny for living or loving? I don't worry that if I'm communist or not, if I could leave here someday or not, it's all in my genes which are unknown for me.so is my future, and Iife.

{19-26,1-30,2022}

1.After missing for 2 or 3 days, the white ragdoll or Siamese mixed blood cat appeared when I walked out of the apartment at 5:25.often he waited the place for parking cars around other empty apartments where needs 10 minutes to walk there for me.He meow when walking towards mine, looked like looking for his human.And i saw him and called him, he responded and we run towards the empty apartment and he ate a good breakfast, he's hungry.then dogs came, he stopped eating and hides in the dark cold deep winter morning again.I tried to make him stay and eat more, but he refused and struggled away.

It shocked me a lot.

He has eyes as blue to white as Ragdoll or Siamese cat and larger than other kinds of cats I have ever seen except a ragdoll stray cat which's called catman-she's missing for almost 5 years-he's larger than her.when I met him in summer last year he's very thin and has problems of skins and dirty hair. He moved from the place we met,because other cats bullied him . After weeks I met him at the place where we meet everyday now for food. And someone else start to feed him also after they notice our movements.although he eats chicken chests a lot each time which almost are too expensive for me to offer it but I never give up and must keep working for him.

I want to adopt him but I don't have any room to make it come true.God, help him, build me to help him.kid, hang on, never give up, everything will be all right.

2.Wars only hurt people first even though it's governments' games under the table.

Now all the world is moving hard for a food future when only China goes hard towards a bad end.I can't say the whole world is sacrificing China, sometimes sacrifice is the last chance to take responsibility which you should have when you only wanna to escape.

There's no ww3, if China would be the one who starts ww3,why not being sacrificed by itself to avoid it for the world when it's part if it?

3.I don't like being treated like a criminal or thief when I walk on the roads in the markets in China just because for the others I don't have any communism smell.for others it is crime not to be a communist or a criminal in this country.it makes me wanna to be a real criminal and thief for communism.

But in another word, could being criminal and thief steal back honor and dignity or myself ? If it could there would be no criminal or thief or myself in the world anymore.

Sometimes people say they understand you, they know it when you tell them and explain what happen in your lives, in their ways. In movies actors and actress who understand and know how the roles they act feel and experience even if whole movies are based on true stories have own better lives by becoming super starts by their acting when the roles they act in their lives still suffer or suffered till they die unnoticed.the only one thing I could do is to get through my life and learn from it, not shows.

4.From the very beginning it's all illusion male likes me, of course female don't like me when they don't wanna to be like me being stayed away by male.no male likes me, for an.soy male it's so called safe that I won't be taken by other males or shame that he won't be envied by any other males including himself.Sometimes people never admit it, that's why they put on a mask. But is mask so important as life?