When I was in communism schools and colleges,they saw my dad when he join in meetings for teachers and parents of students ,they said they admire the relationships between me and dad,like friends.I told dad last night when they treat me as nothing and nobody,he sneer and said they should see how he bully and force me to listen to them,to make me do what they want.I told him do you know what I think about it?I feel pains,first they just butter up him,second they like to see me be depressed by my parents I think,cause tthey never care and mention how much I pay for this relationship if it is relationship like making him happy to do right things by suffering a lot,they don't know or want to know how much I think about it,how much I suffer for it,how much thing I do for it,how long time I m tortured by it.

When I was a baby I always got sick,I was sent to hospitals again and again and again to have emergency heals and needles and infusions.Perhaps I think it's why my body still know what to do to heal and save ill cats when i can't remember this memory.Okay,focus on what I want to write.I thought parents love me,they try best to heal me and rescue me from death.and I thank them a lot about it,I think they love me so they try best to save me.Chinese culture always tell me that I'm a kid who has destiny of it,I divine with my birthday and time the divination books always tell me I born to be like this: parents should depress me,mom is poor and has too much expects on me and dad is poor and can't help me anything.the most thing which could make feel sad and bad is that someone I think treat me well and save help me is for their guilty and making them feel good or better,and someone who i think love and save me is who try to abandon and kill me.if they ignored me and left me in the cold corner it's why I got fevers and sick,if they regret and feel sorry when I'm dying it's why they send me to hospital?like yesterday they get angry and piss off that I don't give them money for food and buy meat for them to enjoy,they keep silence and treat me baldly until I had to go outside and walked in -1℃ cloudy day for 2 hours with so called cheap bad cloths which isn't warm at all to look for meat and food for them as punishments without lunch when I don't tell them or they know I have no money to buy them.

They are happy for it,being satisfied by revenge.I have a fever again,I find medicines to eat now.Perhaps it's my destiny,my parents know me best and what who I am I should be treated in this way,in demon which brings bad things to everyone and I have responsibilities for fixing them and do everything for them even everyone in this world.but do they know me? I even don't know them ,why they pretend they know me and use it to try to control me everything?

Perhaps everyone envy me and dad's relationship,envy me on relationships among the others whatever are bad or not,perhaps cousin rapes me and mom bully me is for envy also,mom envy me who can do something good for my dad who doesn't like me to,cause she lost her dad when she's young about 36 years old,she can't do anything when she wants to,but I can.so what,my dad is still my dad, my parents still are my parents,my families still are my families, it's freedom also for me, it's love or hate for me also.It's what I should protect and fight for,refuse and be against them .It's not what I could struggle and corrupt for .

I know my life is difficult from my born.I know my families are poor,or they just pretend to be poor so nobody can borrow their money or ask them for help,cause for morality a poorer man should not borrow money from a poor man? I don't understand their logic,but I don't admit my heart and soul are poor.I think cats in my life are saving me from death,like anybody else who treat me well and help me does.when there's enemy there's friend,when there's lies there's truth,when there're demon and their followrs there're God and angels,when there's hell there's heaven?so why in my dream last night there's a poor man who get rich in pockets kills his bride and hides it from anybody? If human being can't be bad but only be good,can they still be human being ?if right things are bad to do for good ones,I'd like to be bad.