Homeless , appropriate a little bit . Homeless on the internet ,until I get cb.
Looks like sex has to be my only way to go to love.never feel good about it.
Suddenly remember a detail, before being raped I was curious and asked my cousin if he's a gay or not.I wanted to tell him if he is it's okay that I can support.then he seemed pissing off but said nothing only embarrassed asked me back if I'm schizophrenia or not.cause at that time it's been a lot gossip around me have already said I'm not normal and crazy because I never do things like them,think in their ways,and believe what they believe.then he raped me,told me his best friend told him to do it.and I actually know that he has a best friend who's male growing up with him and seems treating him and his families very well.and when raping with me,he felt boring.he said I didn't scream,made no sound .after the day I aborted my first baby,after I told him everything was over ,don't connect me again, he said it's his baby he had right to come to take a look before abortion,and got the name of hospital.he came,then shamed me when doctors and nurses around me there by yelling to me who knows this is whose baby angrily.when we were alone he smiled to me again and said he had to say so and beg my forgiveness.after leaving hospital he took me to a hotel and tried to rape me again when he saw my body became slim for being hunger 7 days by being pregnant.when he raped me for the first time in bed of hotel, he laughed at me who's a virgin that where's the hole to stick in by his dick,sounded like he's asking someone who didn't in the room to tell him how to sex with a girl.I assailed him if he loves me as families why he did it to me,he said he doesn't unless making love many many times.he thanked me after rape,for what? and said next lifetime he would like me to be his sister again.why? Asked me to be his lover of second woman when I heard he would marry from my mom, insane of morality.In the last times of rapes he tried to kill me in bed by hands in my neck. suffocated me several times.but then I escaped.After his parents found him a communism police job, he gets married with one of his classmate who's a nurse.he ignores me all the time and act like a stranger in birthday Party of grandma's,after that I rarely go to visit grandma again, I feel guilty but still miss her .Does is he a gay? Does rape make him marry with a female for parents' 'willings'? interesting in body of female? Does he a freak who loves to sex with girl slim body?either of then makes me sick.I was skinny in childhood,and in childhood I played with him and his mom always told me to teach him well and being his good friends when he doesn't like to play with anybody else but only his best friend.Meaning he's a gay who doesn't know that he's a gay?
I don't know cousin ,the reason I tried to connect him is that my mom who's his dad's sister force me to .she always say he's your brother ,you need to love him.but he's a stranger for me.the only thing I know about him and his families is that his parents fought a lot when he grew up.and they were as poor as mine.his mom is an orphan, and a stepdaughter for a rich communism family (?) I never know.cousin always told me that there's too much I don't know when I want to know something and ask why. His mom's parents who gave her birth just died few years ago,why she's an orphan.I heard it from mom who pity them or wants benefits from them a lot and pushed me to cousin when I was a little girl, but she doesn't tell me more.she sacrifices me for herself many many times,but she think it's normal.cause I'm a girl when she doesn't want to give birth to a girl but a boy, I think.it's why when I heard that mom had a baby before me,I wanted to know if it's a boy which can make her living more better for her or a girl which can make her live more worse for her,like what I am for her.everyone discriminates female when I was born, and too many Chinese who do it makes this terrible thing looking like normal.
This morning I told dad one of my friend says I have poor hygiene for a woman and poor in pocket enough to have a poor life,dad drunk tonight, came at 23:00 after months when he didn't drink again.he must be hurt by what I experienced.he cam do nothing to help me when I'm hurt but only drunk more, mom can do nothing to help me when Im hurt but only expect more.It's okay, dad,don't hurt, we're not dirty, or poor, I'm fine.being rich or poor isn't a crime,but crime is just crime itself.it's been truly 10 years ago, I still feel that it happened yesterday.I must be crazy.God dann it,it's been hurt too much,how could I fix and make it through ! I'm guilty! But still have to be breathless in this way? In this place? This country? I make it happen, let it be, deserve it?
Someone say they want to marry me,I deserve it.but what about other good girls who are more good than me,they deserve it,if I marry a good man, they lose a good choice to marry him.
Someone says he wants me to rape him,or rape me, I deserve it.but what about his families,his girl who he still miss and love,if I do with him, they lose a good life with him.
Someone says he wants me to live on,I deserve it,if I suicide,ccp and cousin win.but what about me,do I win? Can I ? May I? when I live on and even live better than them, I'm the biggest lie which everyone around doesn't know the truth about rapes when I always say I'm honest for me! I'm just a joke which can only make money to be laughed,I'm just a toilet paper which can only be used once then abandoned all the time!
Any different?All the same. No love,no equality.
I'm not a bitch,but a bitch of morality.perhaps.for everybody.but why it's so hard for everyone to tell the truth ? Only liars can get all truth?
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