Stories are stories,fairytales are fairytales, movies are movies.even they are real in real life,protagonist is still not me instead.From my childhoods till now I feel bad for having a communism dad, a communism family,a communism country, a communism Party , now a communism world.no way out to accept love from who love me in my way ,no way to refuse love who I don't love in their way,I image I'm not human to try to have a normal life, but even alien don't like human I think, neither.how could they love me or back?

Always feeling huge untold things between me and the others.when hedgehog told me he will not come to see me in China , I feel disappointed. I looked forwards him to come to China to kill me and finish my fxxxxxx life after cheating me for sex and raping me when I would not say No a little bit like a bad ass.

Someone who want to suicide don't have courage to suicide but need helps from others, isn't it a joke?

I m tin who have so tragic a fxxxxxx life and things happen in my life, after these things happen on me,I still can't kill my self but only counting on accidents and natural death.but the most tragical and fucked thing for me is to die when I'm enough old I still do nothing for me to feel fxxxxxx great, when I want to die I can't die, it's a coward.when I live as me like this , it's a shame.

And there are something else bother me,too.when I was a kid, mom always told me to thank and reward someone else when they give us food, money and any help.she says there are too many other Chinese are suffer, hunger and dying because of what we get, why they give them to us instead of giving them to the others? The communism boss in military always says everyone in ccp is in a higher level than I do for me to service them, obey them and sacrifice for them by everything .so what's wrong to be poor  to die when we love each other instead of living on by communists ? What's wrong to leave military for me when I don't believe in communism but something else,like God and Taoism? whatever ccp and communists do in my life, I never want to thank them when others can, .is making me shame so popular in this way for anybody around me? Unless I don't think I have any friend,family and stranger.

Meeting/separating/marry/divorce,cooperating/using/hurting/killing and cheating/loving/hating each others ,even sex,money,work,die by and under whatever loving or hating ccp and communism,for me, it's just too much communism,too much breathless.to die in communism is too tragic to do.