Last night dad came home late and was hungry,his boss who owes his money thinks he's too old and keeping making troubles for him to kick him out of the company which they invest together. mom blamed him again and piss off.I cooked noodles for him again and gave him a couple of water, clean the sofa ,put pillow and blanket on it for him to sleep.we talked a lot.I saw his body became twisted, like a dying old man.I felt sad and bad.he told me to take care of mom well after he dies and she doesn't anything wrong, if she could cook some food for him he would feel much more better.he said he wants to try best to stay with me for few more years who only understands him and treats him well, he says it's Destiny that mom harms him and makes him angry in all his life and he can't get rid of her.i told him his own wife needs him to take care,I never want to cut in their private lives unless something happens which needs me to.she makes many mistakes, I don't go anywhere but be with them whenever they need me or not till the end, overcome difficult things and everything will be all right.

Thank you for reading,but I think having patience on life and writting diaries are not the same. I may stop update here soon or later Again.I don't think it's right to write on when I feel not right. And don't know when I will update again. A sick broken heart can't be healed by keeping writing diary,but record how things effect its whole life and things get worse . no worthy to keep recording it. I thought writting online diary opens a door for me to get into a new world more closedly, but it also opens a window for others to see me more clearly.

I thought I can prove sex can bring life happiness after rape. I think sex makes people happy.but I'm wrong .I thought I was raped,so if I could prove that I can be happiness by sex and love by it, it could help more people having similiar experiences like me. but I'm wrong. The only who can't get rid of rape is me, most of female protect themselves better than I do. They don't need me, even someone who have similiar experience like I had, they don't like it or even me . look at myself,I was raped, even if there's belief,there's a lie in it.how does sex bring happiness to me? it makes me like this.if it is happiness for me, only one reason, I lie to myself. I believe sex can bring me happiness most,why I am hurt most more than others? Well, sex can bring happiness in fact, but don't mean you need to sacrifice right things, like morality and dignity. To do something for others including sex, don't need to sacrifice yourselves. Sex which can bring happiness is not sex,but a promise.