[1:36,Otc]birthday morning.why what all I love and care and respect often leave me,get sick, and die ?  it's like fire for gold.fire makes gold shapeful, useful and helpful ,too little fire doesn't work, too much fire break it, damage it,melt it.do I think love care respect from any other are bad things for me,do I want money power men too much too greed too bad from who love care respect me?do I deserve nothing but leave them alone,get sick and die lonely? Like wild fire on the mountains, evil virus losing controls,dry air without rainbows?

[2:16]when I think about it it starts to rain for minutes.

[2:49]water kicks ass of fire which makes everything to be dust on the ground for making gold .sometimes I need to make troubles for myself to hold me back.fire needs water for gold when fire loves gold. too much fire needs water to hurt itself for protecting gold from hurting it.

[3:03]well, it's not actually what I wanted to talk about this time ,is it?

[307]no, I don't.I just wanna to be free.and I know I'm lied and be cheated and taken advantages but don't know how to stop it.like being covered eyes and ears.

[709]but eyes ears are just helping me to overcome fear in the heart, when my heart don't fear , aren't they just another things to be used by demons or burdensome ? To protect them, no need to use them,see and listen to your heart.

[815]last night i dreamed that someone fired fireworks and when I heard it I opened my window, I saw black fireworks in the air, and then a big bat flying to me,I stepped back and tried to close the window  then I wake up.yesterday it's a so blue amazing water and sky's door.still missing it.

Meaning of life is life itself.Suicide is the most extremely way to say no sometimes, is the only way to find an answer sometimes, is the worst way to refuse God sometimes.God doesn't suicide.He died for something else.