{3-01,2-6,2022}

my father always say, admit it, anything anybody which's with you is and will be broken or die because of you.

I told fox about it, only him, he says no, that's not true.

To make me a trap by using my kindness for anybody, if it's lucky I could be sacrificed, even be married a good man to harm hurt sacrifice again who love me to save, help, take me, raise me and pay them everything for me by what they have even their life, it can't make me feel I'm innocent here, only guilty for  keeping on being a victim to protect these trap makers.and I couldn't stop them.

I'm not a victim, a revenger, an avenger, a survivor, a fighter, but a sinner, a criminal.

{21-57,2-5,2022}

Nothing or nobody or this world can screw me up, if I'm screwed up, only me could do this to me.

{19-25,2-5,2022}

Cause love is never about what you give or can give, but only love.

{18-04,2-5,2022}

these days when I walk I feel someone walking behind following me.but when I turned around,nobody's there. I tell fox, he says he's always with me.

Cry a lot.tears can't be stopped. I could feel something in him changes, makes me feel hurt.

The white cat meow for me around my apartment, but parents lock the door and will hurt me if I get out.someone passed by seemed callinv him and gave him some food, he stopped meowing. He waited in front of my apartment this morning for food again. Usually he just waited me 500m away from here.

Life is not always good, but love is.they need me, but I'm not there when I wanna to.they give me everything they have, I just wanna to give more. my fault.

{13-44,2-5,2022}

I will not fucking talk about anything about communism or Chinese anymore.I can't let hate become cancer of myself, of anybody else.

Communism is like cancer of this world, of human being,fox needs no cancer, nobody needs more.

I don't wanna to be one of them, cancer cells.they already suffers a lot.

Hate can't destroy communism or defeat demon, only love does.

Hate feeds it. Too much hate for destroying them could destroy everything.

Don't hurt me.don't leave.

I need to be strong.

Love is not about sex, life, time, money, power, even me.

Love is just love itself.

I wish I was the cancer of this world,of fox, so I could cut off myself.the world and fox would be safe.

Fox treats me and for me is as family, brother, friend, best friend, boy friend, lover, as husband,father, dad, as teacher, leader, boss, mentor, master, as everybody and everything I have.the only one time he came to China for visiting me, it's me pushing him cause I told him I don't believe that he would come or not. He never hurts me, he doesn't hurt me.but why I'm so sad I don't wanna to leave him.I don't wanna to leave.don't leave.

The normal life of people around me is never normal.only crazy people are normal, to be normal by being crazy is crazy, too.

Make me his if it could save his life, to keep his life, I know it's not marriage, not sex , not pregnant, I know it's not immigrant, I know it's not becoming American or even going abroad.but I know I care him, I care him more than caring myself, more than politics, more than any politics or communism in the world.

Don't let him go.don't let go.don't take him  away. Don't take fox away from his family.it's not his fault,he shouldn't suffere it.or take me back to hell, now.