I used money Mr fox sent to me buying two warm feather trousers which are 65cny and 80cny for mom and dad.mom said nothing about it and dad asked if he needs to give me the money,i know he's lying,he doesn't mean it.I told them that no,they dont need to.cause I live in China with them,a same country,if I was born and live in some other coutries ,I might ask my money back,but I know how is China,how is life here,how hard people survive here.I will not ask the money back,but they don't need to,neither if they don't like to do it.Why people who live in a same country which is called China bully blame set traps and harm each other to live on?Why even familes need to harm and threat and take advantage of and make troubles and things difficult for each other when some of them annouce that China is communism is bad and they will leave there someday  and they don't like this country and Chinese Communism Party and communism? treat them like that they never live in a same country but so called enemies for communism in America?what's wrong with this country?what's wrong with these people?

I waked up at 22:30 and lost sleep again till 3:00.I think over my past from 2002 when I walked in a communism college by frames of parents after a very very long tortrue in communism middle schools,no friends,no families,no love, no future,full of bully and traps,madness and fucking inequality.I should have started work that year,cause the results of communism exams for me in middle school was too bad to study in the communism college by being shamed be teachers and students and classmates.but parents didn't think so,they paid a lot of money to the college which charged them for it and when they sent me to it for 4 years communism life to be washed brain,they felt proud and honor when I was and looked so terrible and scared.I know they never be proud and honor for me,but for communism, for CHINESE PARTY OF COMMUNISM.for parents they are Communism's chilren,and also Chinse Party of Communism's parents,not me.I don't like it,I feel gross about it.and that day it's another day which chaged my life forever,again.

in that college I lost my mind,I thought I loved a classmate who looked like a Korean pop star.that period of time I loved street dances,and roomates watched Korean pop stars to do shows every day and night.I think it must effects me a lot,even till now.he doesn't care me,but only sexy body and money.everytime when he looks down at me,I felt there's something in my head to push me to face communism,to study it,then to defeat it.I thought it's love,it's positive power for me to be used.for me the only way to get closed to him was studying hard to get a communism permit for power and benefits in any way,then kicked him off as usual in my head when I defeat communism completely.but I failed,after graduation I didn't need to see him everyday anymore,thank God from that day I started to clean my mind.but love still continued,I was like someone who was poccessed or cursed by demon,studied hard to want to pass the exams again to study in communism colleges as philosophy Master.then after 4 years,I did,by parents' money and job again.he tried to connect me,I refused,he left with hates,I felt I revenged and thought everything was finished.

but next it's such a mass.revenge makes you feel sacrifice,but never give you peace.my life was like a boat in big waves of ocean at night from then on.i wanted a new start,after graducation again I decided to work on my own,anything i could do would make me feel well but stayed away from communism.but things never were that simple in a communism country in China.everyone lives on communism,when you stay away from communism you stay away from life but getting closed to death step by step,whatever they force you or you kill yourself.I found lots of jobs and,none of could last for 7 days.services in gangland resturants,cleaned floors in porn bars,introduces stduents who buy permits to have communism jobs in governments and companies to commercial Technical Training Schools which have deep connects with communism schools and colleges,and even Money Lender company whcih has or had a boss who is paid by Chinese banks to run the company.parents blame and curse me for being a loser.now I think of course I should.in these companies and jobs I would not be so far so good,I m not a criminal.Im glad that I'm still a loser for them like this today.

but at that time I didn't notice that.I felt lost when everything and people refuse and avoid me like a bad luck,I didn't notice that communism is so powerful here in China and control everything.nobody can be talked with,no money to leave and live, nowhere to go.even no ghost can be seen and be fought with.I wanted to kill myself,but I stopped myself.when i watched the ocean,I remembered that there's a cousin who played with me when i was a girl.he looked nice to me those days when i was a girl after 20 years,although I think he's ugly,I denied myself and told me it's my illusion,but it's a trap of his to pretend good,indeed it's an illusion that he's nice.when people become lonely sometimes they just want to catch anything to lie to themselves,become blind,deaf,whatever how much my heart tried to stop me,I still did my best to connect him,like bugs flying into the lights for being burned.actually most of time bad ass never gives up hurt and kill you until you are hurt and killed by them,or they are hurt and killed by yourselves.he's the only family who was closed to my age for 5 years,he was going to graduate soon and need to find job,also.I thought he might unerstand me and said some kind words to me at most.then I found him,but I judged myself too well,I thought  I got everything when I was a little girl and was right until he raped me.I never thought that he only was interested in my body,he seduced me.after the first time he requested a lot of time to do it again, I fear he would tell my parents and agreed,I ate pills every time to stop pregnant for 2 years which I thought it's my punishment for treating him bad and even thought he must be perfect and saint or somebody who know everything about me well,then I pregnat,I aborted it and I wanted to stop it,I understand it's not a game,but a very terrible thing.he becomes a Chinese police,and told me if I told his parents everyone in our families will have big troubles.I compromised.then parents found another communism job for me by money and corruption also.they sent me to Chinese army to work for communists and communism life which I have refused many many times in past 4 years.they finally did it,without knowing anything happen in my life, they are even not more than strangers to me.so evil, so cruel.

in 2 years I worked in Chinese armies and I felt I was in somewhere should never be on the earth.it's a wired world,which is isolated from the world outside and is so fucked up,more than what I see in communism schools and colleges.then I left there with lots of pressures from everyone who laugh blame curse and angry , worry and pity for my this decision.and I even don't wanna to talk about it,cause I dont know still how to tell it clearly today after 7 years.but I think there are two lines,if I don't love in a communism country or have any connect with communism, I will not meet anybody,not go to communism colleges,not be raped by family,not pregnant,not work in communism army,everything people do here is turn me into loving communism and communism Party,and when I fight against communism and Chinese communism i fight agaisnt the whole country and all Chinese and communists.only me.if I don't go to be a communist which is a hunter,I will be its food.make little money and be robbed by communist,and killed.either power or money, choose one to live or survive, breath or die.but whatever they do, any business of mine?I lost everything of mine because of what they doand don't do to me,do they appologize for anything?