Funeral of grandma was great, although still laugh, noise and mad as usual.how many people cover sadness by laugh, cover pains by noise,cover themselves who have lost control inside by mad today, I don't know.but I know there are still someone acting cold, cool and control.

I came home alone when families who suspect me a spy of foreigner went to have lunch together.I walked to Wal-Mart and bought tofu which is white jelly being made by yellow beans.it's a Chinese culture to eat it from funeral.it means clean and come alive, reborn and no guilty, innocent.then I saw the date of it was June 6,the day when grandma left.I have tears in my eyes.she forgives me and let me feel I'm clean again,after so many things being happened in the past of my lives.it means a lot for me.

When parents came home they brought food for me.they were very happy when all families thanked me for me being present today.the food was their lunch before they started to eat.cousin bought lunch boxes and put food in them and packages them for me.but I'm still sad, not for him, all of them.grandma, I can't see her in real life now when I miss her.even when they tend to break your heart and kill your soul they still want your shell and body for themselves.what's fucking inside of them?like someone who tend to shame your body by hurting and killing your heart and soul inside?

Mr hedgehog left me.it's a perfect end for both of us.it's over.we both grow up.hope his heart starts to be together with his body, and find someone worthy to love in rest of his life.cause it's not about owning or control, but existence.

I feel good about it, but don't like anyone including him to leave and abandon me by talking bad on me,to protect hypocritical lies or prevent me to hurt or fight him back.that sucks without any dout,instead of fixing problems together only escaping by himself, it's why I don't trust men and IT engineers who are as suck as gays instead of being raped by cousin.that's not love, but love money.I  told him after sexing me whatever by body or in minds anybody can find their true love to marry.it seems like he indeed did it,whatever it's male or female ffor him.not only American say what they mean, but also Newzealand I think.hedgehog and snake are friends? They seem like a couple now,same bad ass.

Grandma,do you see it? Kid,I know you are with me now.