[17_01,Nov 20]Do I love someone indeed ,or loved?

Watching American movies and think American is great , then notice that it's only in my madness .Could I just have a normal life whatever I do for live till my life ends? Or with someone else?

No one for love in real life, then on internet there's still none.then some  people only tell me to look for it in real life. Like playing balls.if female needs to depend on male to live, male needs to depend on female to love also.why do they just tell half of truth, and don't admit it's a lie? Is male so powerful? Or only God?

Promised by own life to take care of me and cats by visiting us for porn photos and videos and call self New zealand man who only had one gf and wife in China, me, on Twitter, then disappear like a Chinese coward prostitute.Like Chinese abroad who talk bad about China communists and Chinese, don't do anything to defeat them but stick knifes on their backs,is it right? By using other's dirtier things to cover up own dirty things , is it more cleaner ? or only betray?

It's still a miracle that I'm still alive by thinking in these ways above,so evil,bad and negative .it looks like there's Judaism which talks about God and demon is the same deity.can't believe even if don't talk anything about it I still can be effected.am I so sensitive? Or didn't notice anything which's so closed ?

Everyone tells me that they only love me have me be with me marry me have babies for each other and take care of each other in rest of lives, then I see everybody has shadows of the others who still love them and be loved by them in those ways.the one who tell truth is only me to be ignored,shamed and betrayed for it .and I don't wanna to know what others think feel and I don't wanna to change them by what I write.If marriage without love is kind of helping each other , like marriage of my parents, will I do that? And have kids like me who feel bad about it in mine ? No, I would rather have no kid than having any kid like that. That's not for kids, but only for myself by sacrificing kids first before they are born.

Everything referring to politics isn't great at all,how to be great by politics for everything indeed? Anyone referring to porn isn't right at all, how to be right by porn for anyone?