Go fuck your wishes and go fuck yourself ,rog.everybody who says you deserve everything worthy everything and they wish everything good goes to you when they just don't give their lov3, life and marry you is a fucking lie of bullshit for anything.unfortunately you are just that kind,and fuck you for banning me on Twitter and keeping on looking for any other fucking girls to play these kinds of fucking games in cb.

Thanks chilly boy to find love back for the elephant and her friends.

But why I'm not happy.when could I stop crying alone secretly? When I start to be sacred for every tomorrow's coming?

 

It's why being baby is good and don't grow up.

More older , more using stuffs to trade love with each other.in another word,love more, lose more when separate with each other, some times, everything in your hands,sometimes,everything in your pockets,some times,everything in your hearts. 

Someone says sometimes you play games,sometimes games play you.but I think sometimes you only play yourselves,you are just a game.someday they leave,because you are just a game;someday they come,because you are just a game , for them. And I , am Not a game.without love I'm just an ass of coward .

Made a dream.we sisters played on the beach we found happily . Two babies, a girl and a boy, were playing in the water also around .I watched them nearby ,some women were passing by with strange beautiful dresses, I was surprised and tempted by the beautiful dresess.after seconds,the babies were missing from where they stayed.they couldn't swim ,couldn't drown,couldn't walk away,just disappeared quietly .we called the police, the police came,scientists came , I would like them to use hypnosis on me to see what happened and who took them away and found them back,they even had bad medicines which seemed like drugs to shot in me,I didn't like it,I hided from them all.I felt there was a woman with a pair of beautiful but wise shoes which might belong to witch took babies away. I think I saw her feet with the shoes behind women wearing dresses .That was a beach having ghost stories, or magic.we should not stay there.police might be parts of them.the only one who I could trust is myself.

in China,people say woman who fall in love have zero IQ.fool, I know.

Remember what you said: Most of Chinese prefer shortcuts to get into America,to immigrant,to do everything by risks,including myself.

It's more hurt for me to leave someone than someone leave me.

True love can't be found in lust,but pull you out.

Chinese escape from China , cheat American,betray who they love and love them,only because they can't ,won't, fear to face the truth, by God.

Milk and Pepsi,it's not about health.I thought if I kept drinking Pepsi or Coca-Cola which come from America, I will be there.before I forget America , I prefer milk.but when I drink Pepsi,I feel I already was in America.

Mr fox is good ever never.if I have chance again, I will still turn to him.so stop making noises about it in my life, if you think you are better than Mr fox, do better than him.

Some victims become criminals,some victims become someone who catch criminals.

Criminals are victims .nobody wants to care about it.

No me no self , how sad it is.

For human who help them by what they want are angels.

For angels who tempt them by what they want are demons,

For demons, who fight against them by what they want are demons also.

For communism country, who always do everything by their lives to tell their kids that all they are taught and told by educations and medias even everything are wrong are parents.

For me who fight against fate by what fate gives them is still fate? 

It's just a show.

Fear to fail,fear to lose,fear the future, make me forget why I'm here,why I love here.why I exist.

To sex many many times,cousin told me after raping my body, to be very very worse, someone told me after raping my mind .they sound like curses for me. they need scapegoats for sex, to do bad . it's not sex,but criminal, not bad,but cowards. Yeah, you sex well, but you are a rapist , do you need to sex better? no, you need to expiate it or go to jail;  Yeah, you are a smart badass , but when you are a coward, does it matter to be smarter? no,  you need to admit it or just go to hell.

Why I survive,why I still breath and live on,if it doesn't mean I'm good and lucky and not caught ,but mean they want me to escape like baits for purposes ,to connect the word,because they want to use me to control and rule it for satisfy their hate and revenge without dangers and payments , do I need to do it for thanking their charity on my life by this shell without myself?

Some one said I'm freak and what I write here is freaky after he read then left. When I become like this? long long ago? too much shows and sex for me, can't get the truth at all and laundry my faith. Basterd ,thank you.

Know myself, but how about that there's no me for me to know? if there's no me for me to know ,how do I know me? No me, no-thing;  K-no-w me, Love me?

bullshit.okay.great

Why I adopt so many cats and give food water to so many homeless cats when I can't have so many cats?

Perhaps I just think if I can't help people, I can still do something for cats.

I do it for myself to make me feel better, not for cat.I don't deserve any pay-back from it.when I can't do it for myself or cats anymore,I will stop do it always.

I get mad again.what the fuck I'm thinking about

I don't know what's wrong with me,everytime like to use the same mistake punishing myself.

Telling self I forgive me by mouth,then still can't get out of this feeling of guilty.

I know that him was this him is my husband who's sent from heaven to save me.I know if I miss and refuse it again I will not overcome it again .

But what can I do to me?

Betray them betray God for being raped time after time, perhaps it's the only way to help me stopping feeling guilty always.

My fault that I was raped ,my fault that I don't stop communism ,my fault that I close my mouth when others are bullied, my fault that they are hurt and dying somewhere I do nothing but live as nothing happen,I can't stop bad things happen,never can do it,even when it happens on me,my fault I can't stop them serve Chinese Party of communism,make bad friends and take drugs,my fault that patents get old and start to be weak,my fault that many life die because of what Chinese do,communists' plans,my fault grandma fell down and has lying in bed for 1 monthly,my fault that my life become so disgusting and still try to make troubles for it and get mad ,my fault that I'm born in this world,I'm in this world,I'm parts of this world,my fault for everything which I can't understand still,which I can't stop them happen,which I can't do anything.

If there's next life for human to come into this world again  , I prefer to be nothing,prefer there's no me. 

No love in this life,no life in next life, cause I'm not worthy for them who love me or not love me.

why I become like this

why it needs or has to or must become parts of this world when I wanna to live in it?

why everything is all right when someone are going to be best parts of it by ignorinng death, blood and corruptions with drugs wines and violence,

why it needs to pay too much when someone are going to be worst of it by helping,loving and respecting goodness with patience,times and Jesus,

why someone needing money need to pay money to get it? even pay money of the others for themselves?

why someone needing love need to pay love to get it?even pay love of the others for themsleves?

why someone needing life&time need to pay life to get it?even pay life&time of the others for themselves?

why someone who pay more than others' want and can't get what they back they feel disappointment and sad even hurt or suicide unless others change their minds when someone don't even take a look at them?

if sacrifice myself can get someone's future,or screw up someone's life,what's meaning of me to exist?only for others instead of myself? when a new life is given birth, it means another life is gone?or another life lost its way to be alive?when everything is competation,even life, trade-off,trade-off by what? what do I have,my own life when I have nothing to pay for 'success' and 'what I want'? what things can be trade-off,or can't not,am I god?

everytime the one who leaves or quit or stop is me who can be hurt or killed or sacrificed.i don't know if it's equal or not, I don't know Im tired or not, I don't know they have good purposes on me or not,whatevery I know or not,at least I can leave my-fucking-self alone without threaten of dead, fear of punishment,or torture of guilty whatever bullshits.

im just parts of the world,why I need to be bad?

I just try best to make friends with someone on cb who are good to help me getting the payments, why he asked me to eat his balls?nothing is free for help?I have no money for it, so I need to pay my dignity for it? He just wanna more than he thought.how expensive for a help? So when I lose dignity,heart and soul,even spirit and life,I should still make what I get by these payment more worthy ,more valuable for what I have lost? for what? if only what I have is the most expensive,worthy and valuable,how do the others live well? why I need to get or have more?

More give, less gain.whatever life gives to me,i only gain.

i give my precious stuffs to someone in my life,someone think it's garbage, someone think it's joke,someone think it's precious.

it's their freedom.they have other ways to go,someone hate my gift,someone already have them, someone need them.what i wanna is that they could go further safer happier instead of how to treat my stuffs for them.

to give is an art for someone,not for someone else.homeless cats face everything they see from human, someone feed them poison, meat sausage with drugs and nail, delicious cat cans or bad dry good,even fish bones, spicy peppers ,sweet potatos and cookies, do they revenge to life and human and kick their asses? do they get mad or scream for better treatment, do they cry all days and nights for some mercy from God? no, they don't.

it's why they are cats,so beautiful, so wise, and so attractive.they are just being themselves.

Some kind of love is like flower in the mirror,beautiful,can enjoy it watch it talk to it,but can't touch or like it.or you will lose yourself.

I thought once I have been hurt by something or someone,I will not be hurt by these kinds of things and people again.

But it's not right.it's like something on me which haven't be changed yet, they are attracting them coming to me again, to hurt me unless I change.

I'm not perfect,so I should be treated like a trash when I make same troubles and mistakes?no.

When they can help me I think they are God's gift for me,so to be God's gift they should always help me instead of hurting me? ignoring me? Shaming me by me who they know,love and respect ? So they are only God's gift when they can help me? God's gift doesn't have another side which is dark,dangerous and even violence when they are human, not God?

God's gift is not God,they are not perfect,but God is.the only help is from God.they can hurt me,but they are never god. 

They are who they are.although wounds are recovered the memories of pains still warn me it's dangerous to keep moving on when I can overcome it now.forgive them, all of them.when realizing that they are all worthy to love,care and respect for me when I'm always not perfect to do it well, for it I forgive myself.

And I don't have problems in communication, but have problems in communication with someone who i love or care or respect.

good to have friends, but as whom,myself, or someone else who they think who I should.I think they know me everything, then I see someone know me as good as how much they are,someone know me as much as how much they want.

if China and Chinese Party of communism are not too selfish to treat others well for real, everything would not go this far.

I know what I know,whatever who I am.

Keeping telling lies to my own brains makes me gross.

There's always trouble.  can't  believe bad assholes have so much trouble, also.

Yeah, I know what I want.If I can't get what I want or have, if what I want will make me a monster, I would rather pass them by,give them up,let them go.when I want more and more and it becomes a monster, let what I want swollen me, kill me, make me disappear, if nobody saves, pulls me out and help me get out of it, even for purposes. it's how things're going.

Like China and Chinese Party of Communism.first it's good to make friends with them, even like families, they treat poor people good, and pay money to bad peole who wanna to be good again, supply cheap but valuble stuffs.everybody likes needs and wants to be with them until someday China and Chinese Party of Communism want more and more, faster and faster, better and better, which the whole world can't give anymore, can't suffer  anymore, can't accept anymore.

Trump is talent, no ambition.it's why this kind of person can only be defeated by someone who uses more worse evil unnormal way to fight hard, it's why he was a Democracy, then Republic,perhaps Democracy again,if still have choice, keeping histories but can't create it,by American ways to say--for God's wills,he could be a good President, but if fighting against darnkness of China and Chinese Party of Communism for making America great again, Biden becomes the only possibility?

Just disappointed on myself very much.aren't good at making friends, 3 is the most for me, 4 will drive me crazy. Some loves me, I don't love him, and after a while perhaps he will leave if I start to love him, I like someone, tell everybody he will be my husband in the future to make me fall in love ,and when I fall in love with him,perhaps he doesn't seem to wanna marry me now.someone aren't so important for me until I think I'm not that important for them.whatever I'm their gf or wife on the internet what can I do? I only need to make life living on by computer,with cats.they don't make life online,cause they don't need to,they have their own lives. if I become their gf or wife, I m laughed more.Will I marry my cats someday? Only cat left in the end ? Then die alone like a garbage in garbage  box? To be yourself, who never be liked or loved.but why I need to herself when I'm not ? Perhaps I just don't wanna to be myself.cause I only wanna to be liked or loved ,also?

Trump is like American movie, Biden is like Chinese legend.whoever is President -in-law, American government always only serve America itself.or it can always only be crashed down and built up by American,nobody else.America has its own way to go.other countries have their own things to do.leave them alone.any other who try to lead it into a wrong way is to kill it.

America is great,not because it's strong,or has power.but because America is great when it's still young, still has future.2021/3/23 下午5:54

When I do something for someone or for cats,animals,should I be respected for it?

But only when I do it unconditionally, I can have their respects.

And when they respect me conditionally for what I do whatever conditionally or unconditionally, it's not friendship or relationship,but business.

For someone to have business with them it's already been kind of respect.it's how they respect the others.

Respect the others for what? What they want? They are good.

Sometimes it's a not shame to escape away from good,but always hard stopping  fighting against bad.

When I was young,I think love is love,not about behaviors. When I love, I love,even I do nothing ,it's still love.

Then in adult's world,I see they love some behaviors and call them love,then hurt by these behaviors.then they fall in love again.

Perhaps behaviors are only behaviors unless love makes it worthy .when there's love in behaviors,they call them love.

But love is love,what are behaviors?life itself? So love is life,is freedom ?

When I look at sun,I feel being loved.What's sun doing ? Just be itself.

Nothing can last forever.that's nature.human world is part of nature, communism country is part of human world, without nature and human world, how will they live and exist?

Honestly, I think of my whole past life last night , if I dont tell anybody that I want to go to America someday because China sucks and communism is bad and America and American are good,justice,full of faith , hope,respect and right and will kick ass of ccp with God's help into hell someday from my childhood in China which is a communism country , I would already be in America and might have a life in the host of America like any other Chinese and communists in America now .is it why everybody thinks that I'm crazy only btw?

it's why they do something first before I can move on next when they know and believe what I tell is true and I need to make it happen . They force and threat and make me change into what they want and need and like me to be,push me to go to communism schools and colleges,set me up joining in Chinese Party of Communism and working in communism military for what they believe--ccp until I was graduated and left there on my own.even though I'm still in China as something or someone I want to change communism and communists into goodness and kindness,give it up and start a new beginning.

Actually I think my cousin on my mother side raped me for fears of Chinese Party of communism,so are the others who bully me in China.cause they knows Chinese communists like to punish all relationships and connects of someone who fight against them.in history they kill whole families for only one of them in communism culture revolution.Chinese families,Chinese friends , Chinese fear to be hurt or killed by Chinese communists by telling truth and say no to them. so they hurt me and try to kill me who are troubles. they join ccp and service it to show their loyalty under the name of love,like what they do to me and homeless animals.just being a curse for everyone, whom hurts and even kills what and who they love&trust or love&trust them most can have a higher level status in communism Party,after my cousin raped me and I abort the kid he becomes a communism police and treats me as a stranger he never sees as a communism wish unless I agree to be his lover when he marries.I refuse him.I think Chinese Party of communism's existence is always based on lies and betray for their own power and benefits when it's getting worse.

Someone says my life is a tragic, I thought it was, but now I think life is a tragic for someone who tell wrong as right and stop others telling the truth.

Someone says I'm a victim,yeah,they are right.but I still have choices to be someone who fight against criminals I suffer for the others from suffering instead of looking for victims as another criminal to make more victims.

 I'm teaching a first student to practice oral Chinese.now I feel he hates me and China and Chinese more and more everyday when I try to encourage him to have a good life,to understand Chinese cultrue in right way,and to know positive side of life except naked bodies and porn videos .he looks like that he doesn' t  need me,and thinks that I only want his money,and I'm just a bullshit Chinese who piss him off all the time to escape from teaching him Chinese.I have told him and talked with him a lot, but he always seems like being interesting in my own private life and incomes ,I think I'm the object to be played and researched by his money which is 50cny per hour to teach him Chinese,what I talk in lessons are much more than what i speak in one week.I think it could help him to study Chinese by knowing real Chinese culture,but it's just good for him from being hurt when I refuse his lies and betray,shames,cheats , laugh even use.does anybody think that when they pay money they can do anything to who get it by works?They don't wanna to know me,but still say they wanna marry me,to be his wife,for what?sex?they say they hate communism,but still like to control me,tell me I'm crazy and wrong about fighting against ccp, they are communists it's why they hate communism ? I get pay to teach him lessons of oral Chinese , he pays money for torture me only ?when I told him my bf is always my husband only whatever he's not smart for him or not on the cheats of cb and corruptions of American governments to tax me?

Life comes from nature first,human build cities in natures for themselves,rob nature from other animals, some animals could live in cities, human has responsibility to take care of them about what they do to their homelands.no reason to abandon them.human can never dominate nature,or decide which animals can have so called evolution or not.it's bullshit.

Everyone speak their mother language by their life.so are Chinese.so am I.perhaps human can talk with each other without language someday,but ,among human and animals they can understand each other by their own languages,why human cant by human languages ? Why you need to pay for learning that ? Can it make you happy?

Parents who are communism youth league member and offucial communist for over 50+ years piss off and keep attacking me by bad words today, cause I told them that dad's just a frog under the bottom of hole,only makes loud noise and don't know how big the world,earth,universe are.I told him coronavirus is biological weapon of Chinese Party of communism and it released in wuhan,China.he says 14 billion Chinese will say no about it,and they will win.I asked him that 64 billion human in the world all know it's Chinese communism weapon which kill a lot of life till now, you can defeat all of them by telling lies continually? Communism will die someday, so communism is all your life?the only red sun for you is MaoZedong and your life is doing anything for him? You think telling lies is right things ,cause it's loving ccpC,loving China, loving families, and me,is patriotic? Are Chinese all born to tell lies or not ? Open your eyes and see what the hell and how much being damned this country,this family,this communism Party become now by the kind of your this fucking 'love',do you care? Dou love China,love this country,this world ,this family or me?even Communism Party of China ? No, you only love your fucking self.

The kitten which 's trapped in an abandoned storehouse didn't answer me when I sent food to it this morning, Mar,15,2021.where is it?it's going to rain now.its mom took it in the storehouse when it's very very little then left on last autuman.,after the coldest winter it makes it and I'm so very proud of the kitten.now it's growing up, but it made me feel sad a little bit still.he always there when i sent food in the early morning and evening.this morning I took its fav chicken chests.I pasted the pad for it to help it jump back into the high window.pasted water bowl and food bowl there also.It's its home.kid where are you, come back home before it rains,I don't wanna you lose ways to me.I know someday will come,but can't like this.wherever you are, remember that there's always home for you,me for you.God bless you.

P.s. it came back in the evening.it's happy to enjoy the cans I bought.thank God.

Not a Buddha,but can stay closed to it.

Made dreams.in dreams Trump indeed did something wrong,but in all of powerful ones in all governments which all listen to and visit a king on a meeting he made the most beautiful rainbow cake than the others did for the king.but he was the only one who was punished by the king for it by others' traps when his wife tried to help him and beg the king to forgive him.

In dreams I was in a supermarket by taking a bus in a big rain.everyone bought and ate overleft food and enjoyed them,everyone was easy to attack each other and escalator was broken when being used by me.hard to stay there.

In dreams a brother saw her sister who was sweet and polite having another herself which was evil and angry when she looked into the mirror,he cut the evil one which was processed on his sister into half and her sister was still alive but become angry when she didn't wanna to be angry at all.and the evil in his sister only showed up when he saw another himself in the mirror.he seemed being processed,also, or demon couldn't possess him at all even when he could are demon in the mirror,also .

In dreams I saw lots of families and classmates who were together for something.but something in it.with someone's help I could see some ghosts or demons which were big with red eyes looking at all of us.but still pretend not seeing them yet.

These dreams are made after I talked with someone who told me he will die someday soon by bladder illness when I was trying to keep him positive and not give up.he told me he could see someone else in the mirror when he looks in it and sometimes he can see his body when he's hovering in the air.i met him 5 years ago online, by shows.hope he's fine whatever the dreams meant.

I  don't know why someone always want to know something from me like that: why you are in cb,how do you feel when you cum and,do you watch porn movies or cartoon comic,do you like have sex with me without money or I will not pay you if you sex with me,or do you like money or sex,do you think white people are whores? Do you feel like a whore? Does money you made in cb make you happy? How many times I need to benefit the others by sacrifice myself? Just because I don't wanna to benefit muself? It's bullshit when I'm not a communist someone treats me like that I'm a communist for them by the money they pay to have fun in this way.I'm not a Buddha.

When I was pulled to touch the electric line at home by something, I was pulled out into l life again when I was in the dark huge pipe with a light white end of it far away from me.I wanted to stay there,but I was pulled out.

When I was in the falling elevator,in the shadow I saw a darkness gave me his hands and tried to touch me to pull me into shadow,I was angry and told him I still need to take care of my parents,he piss off and left and I returned to life again.

I think the first one was way to heaven,the second one was way to hell.they both exist.

Am I get too mad or think too much or too communism ? If I ignore feelings of Mr fox and his political standards,why I think Trump is like King Zhou of shang and his wife is like the nine-tailed fox Su Daji with his two daughters who are like Daji's sisters nine-headed pheasant and jade Pipa more and more day after day in 'Investiture of the Gods' <feng shen yan yi > till now.and Biden is like King Wen of Zhou.his dead son was like Bo Yikao ..yeah.last time I also thought trump is like iron man and biden is like American captain.so why it has so many ways to understand it for me? Perhaps I haven't got the point and everything doesn't end yet.so what is the truth?

Interview of Prince Harry and Meghan? How much money they take from American Democracy Party to be a hotspot of media to join into a bigger political game again for public after Trump? Stay away from Republic Party first but then like to see Trump fighting against Chinese Party of communism,in dreams an American woman in Chinese dresses stayed away from me and left now.illegal tax from the democracy American company makes me so sick this time.how could the American company cheating my money by traps and lies I make to corrupt their own governments for putting more money into own pockets? How ugly it truly is?American government is bad also? Or just so strong to accept the illegal tax without being corrupted?or the company just has too many good broadcasters to take care of me,to pay me,to have me? Hard to see that they cheat my money for corruptions between each other like bullshit.

Mine is mine,something which isn't mine isn't mine.

Just watched the movie 'Daughter of God' 2016 today.thank everybody who produced and made it and let me watch it.

Now I know what's song of 'God is a girl' meaning.cause she's His kid.

Tyranny , needs blood and death to hold to fix to create its power.so it's bloody bullshit power which is called tyranny.from the first beginning I don't want Hong Kong to be back to China, I don't like Aung San Suu Kyi​ to be the leader of Myanmar.but Hong Kong looked happy to do it, and so did Myanmar people.I don't think Trump could be a President of America,neither.but he did and after he failed 2020 election and left.white house there are still some crazy American following him.

Is it all a show of politics which everyone knows its endd? Doesn't Hong Kong citizens know Chinese communists are bad ass when they still make Hong Kong belong to China on their own?doesn't Myanmar people understand that all blood and death are just trying to make another tyrant government when military charges their country now?doesn't American realize that there's no different between Obama who benefits his families by power of controlling government and Trump who benefits his children by power of being President? doesn't the world know Chinese Party of communism create the coronavirus and make it release spread damage the world by itself and let it killing lots of life when they still collude with it ? If they all do, what's everything doing for?young ones are hope of a country, not food or slaves or criminals of a country.don't point guns at them for your own benefit.

My shows are going well,payments get well, at least more than usual , and it causes someone's attention who want to tax me legally.it is like white sharks smelling blood on the ocean and catching me for having a snack, or even fun.it makes me feel nervous and hopeless and depressed.I think it's happy to be there.now they won't release my money which is made by a Chinese in China untill I fill w9 form on taxing my joy for God.I can't win this war,no.cause I don't need to.and I don't need to do any wrong things to pretend that everything is still all right.

Everything has been changed for a long time,so Chinese Party of communism hasn't died out yet.it needs everything to be changed for it to exist.so it keeps changing everything forever,even if must using virus.

Trump,he corrupts also,although legally,although making sense,although can be understood.being a President and having powers or not made him making more benefits than the normal business man who never be a President in his whole life .but it doesn't mean he will be next President.like iron man in the movie what he did is good for everyone especially next generations of his.Trump left white house,it's the end of his political career in public which is perfect,not President anymore,no corruption as a President anymore.

things get worse every second in China.very very worse.

Last week I gave my real name and Chinese sim card phone number which tie with my Chinese ID card to someone in my room when I still can't get payment I cashed last month.she or he sent me money by internet ,and i used them buying food for cats.I thanked her or he.but then things get changed.is it safe for me ? Food for cats ? Just tell someone who i even don't know about my real information for 100CNY to get food for cats ? Is that worthy ? Of course.but dangerous also,especially when she or he has connect with other Chinese who are abroad.Chinese always hurt  Chinese who know and understand most in the world for each other.and some one they are very good at using hands of others to take care of whom they want them to disappear by controls of ccp for almost 100 years for purposes.if ccp doesn't die out soon,the ways of Chinese and people in the world treating each other,may be changed soon.if communism is an old thing ,how long does it need to die out?