When some men say they love you, usually they mean they love women,not you . when some men say they know you ,usually they mean they know women,not you.they may want to love and know women through you.But you are only you.

You don't need to do many many sex, or do it more and more crazily , just do what you want to do, you don't need to be worse and worse, just be what you are.

Mom clicked wrong button again when she wanted to boil water.the rice cooker was going to burning before I noticed and stoped it.if I didn't quit ccp's job and came back home ,I don't know how long parents can even survive.when you are upset and disappoint on something sometimes, it's just because you expect too much and should have tried and worked hard step by step instead of expecting the end coming faster and faster.

I invite parents to have a dinner this evening by the last money I have,after grandma's funeral mom doesn't look right about death of hers. And I think something's wrong. before it I will still go to send some food and water to cats and their kittens and medicines for a cat which's getting sick so much. I'm still the poor girl with empty pocket 30 year ago.but with lots of pressures of lives , parents start to get ill.cats are suffering.and I'm not a shit sacred and fear ccp all the time.

Today is July 1 when it's ccp's birthday as being told.if it's true, God damn ccp and communism.always fuxk both of you.

Homeless mom cat with her 4 babies

I don't wanna to say that helping rescuing adopting homeless cats here makes me see a real country,or truth of the fact.but when I connect cats, homeless cats,their ways to live, their status, their life make me see another dark side of this country, which isn't be pretended by governments yet, isn't focused by communism yet, which isn't cut in politics when they are used, harmed and killed by all three.

When I was a kid, I laughed, everyone was happy, when I laughed, I could laugh with the whole world.when I lived, life's as normal as peace.miss it.now I must work more to laugh like a kid, be happy , to be in peace like that. I grow up, not a kid anymore.but I should not be sad for it.

Life is like a song, it's the beautiful song singing all the time, but sometimes it can only be heard once in your dream.

When everything is wrong, something must be right.

I admired cats as freely as themselves , I thought to be with someone is to be prisoned, until I notice that cats love such a me and it/ they set me free .

In dreams someone who used money to adopt orphans sold orphans for bigger money.

And some rich powerful politicians who was known as being hunted by a criminal who killed a lot of people was the criminal killing a lot of people and wanted to kill the man by others' hands for being his scapegoat .

And some planes hovering in the night sky above our heads became roberts to search, hunt and kill all of us when I run and escape in empty buildings and lost connect with any other.

Still need to go on, as mom said,life is hard to rest too long.I think all though it's not respect at all. I'm so sorry grandma. I will do my best.Ate some fish then head hurt.they feed these animals wired things to grow up for selling to be killed.

In dreams a girl who's my classmate and called me little sun was badly ill.and mom almost found me sending food to cats somewhere.

When I stop and look back the past, I walk too far away from where I supposed to walk, feel like that every step I move on is wrong. More movements, more wrong. Where does this incompatibility come from?

In Chinese culture, it says when families die,at least in 1~3 years, can't gjve or have fun,can't join in party or marriage,can't visit someone who have babies especially whom are new born,to avoid bringing them unlucky and negative effects.and especially no porn, no sex.honestly this month I think I could make more money by them,but grandma's gone, I want to follow the rules of Chinese culture but want to live on by making money also.it makes feel perhaps she never loved me by her death to stop me doing porn shows,it's good perhaps, stopping sex in public for money.but I'm still angrily sad if it's true.cause wherever she is now I still feel she's with me.but now i have times to stay alone and think of something for a while .

I gave dad 1,000 money to pay internet fee of next year on this March.yesterday he just paid it and bought a new spy router which is communism Huawei's to harm me.I feel hurt.he asked for money from me,the router is charged for 300CNY by communism  China Unicom co. which is only 149CNY online stores.then he told mom that I didn't give him money to pay the interent of next year,the money I gave to him was for the last year.I have paid internet fee for 3 years.thus year it's his worst behavior to cheat my money and frame me and forced me to eat his fucking cake which was refused by some communism rich for his birthday ,just because he doesn't want to waste his money when he knows I spend hours every day to lose weight and keep diets. I indeed think my best wish for him it is tell him go to hell sometimes.but when I remind that he told me some ancestors of his had blue eyes and golden hair ,when I think of the face of grandpa on mother side who looked like a Jewish when I was a little girl, I calm down and stop cursing. I could not involve someone else in it when I can't do anything. Perhaps it can explains why mom told me who's a girl that the cousin who raped me had circumcised when he's born, when I asked her back why,she looked nervous and frightened and said because it's just too long, and so called that too many things I don't know about families on mother side, it's one of them when cutting foreskin of babies is very rarely in 1980s in China.

July 1 is Chinese communism Party's day,August 1 is Chinese communism army's day.October 1 is Chinese communism country's day.why there's no Strongness day of China when Chinese are strong enough but too weak to protect an asshole communism Party in China!!! All Days are only and just about communism and Chinese communism Party when they always say China is Chinese's country which they use for abandoning every time?! But if it is country of Chinese ,why all Chinese need to celebrate all days for communism Party instead of their own day ? shouldn't Chinese have celebrated their own day!!! I just wanna a home,family,and marry and rise up a baby and have a peaceful freedom life to breath, a safe place to hide, a great world to stay, why having to live on by sex which is supposed to do with a bf and my husband by depressing of communism, foreigners and even Jewish,I'm an unworthy nobody with no plenty virtue who doesn't even deserve anything or rank, there's still something else for such a me to do and fix,finish ? 

From the very beginning communism in China is just a mistake.Everything for it after that is only trying to fix it by more mistakes until it crashes down by itself.

How could it be good at first as what you told me, dad?

Chinese use to be good, for example when I went to buy Chinese livers which is 2CNY per 500g, they almost sold out.I got the last chicken livers by 2.5CNY and was already going to pay it.at the moment an old woman came after me and she dressed in old crude cloths and asked for chicken livers, too.the seller told her they were sold out.I saw here upset face and asked that what did she do to the livers and she told me that she cooked them and put them in dry food for dogs. I thought she couldn't pay 8CNY per 500g chicken chest for dogs which might starve,so I told her the chicken livers was her now and she asked me did you feed dogs by them ,too? How about you.I told her I would be fine and lied that I often came to buy food here,don't worry.so I asked for chicken chests ,and paid 12.5CNY for them in front of her.then the seller put chicken livers and chests in front of us, don't know she's touched or she can't see things clearly, she tried to take the chicken chests away until the seller stopped her in time when I even didn't notice that.then I said good bye to her and thanked the seller and left quickly.I feel good to do something good and happy for being right.

Normal chinese often feel good to do good things and feel happy to be right.they are benevolent.so when communism was like to rob so called bad rich to assist kind poor from 1921, they had been so matched as soul mates.then things change and loses control in China . Poor Chinese have to feed rich communists as much as they want. Chinese must feed communists to survive.Chinese communism shows its real color and the things they rob from riches make Chinese communists corrupt in the world which materials is reducing ,poor is more and more, crimes are everywhere, nature is being destroyed, politics kills scapegoats , people live in bad environments when communists starts to enjoy corruptions which they take from the others instead of sharing with and assist anybody for taking advantages .Chinese become greed by holding communists in their chests.like that my mom has 7 brothers and sisters,after her mom died the only one can buy the apartment of her mom to use for 70 years is the richest brother who works for Chinese Party of communism longest in his life and buy an apartment to live when the poorest little brother has cancer and need to rent apartment to live with his families every month.or the apartment will be taken back by communism governments.

Everything is God's will.what I can do is too little to judge everything . Cause everything I judge is just only to judge myself.

Hard to believe that someone use that calling someone else mental disorder psychosis to control them, to rule them, to order,force,tempt them to do and say something which are not their nature.honestly perhaps I'm not single minded enough to love or marry or build a family with a man and perhaps I always desire someone who can touch my heart especially.but it doesn't mean I mean to be treated as a bitch or bad woman.is it too tired for someone to be with me all the time by pretending someone touching my heart , or just worrying I will leave him someday for another man who isn't worthy for me,it's why someone said I can't find someone who treat me well like them anymore? Can divination tell everything about my life?

Cats treat me well, in ways which doesn't suit human world, in ways which aren't human world's way.they love me in their ways ,in cat's way.it makes me feel safe,and real,and they love me honestly.

Do others who treat me well because of being stupid, being arrogance,being ignorance? Because someday they don't wanna the same things which happen on me happen on their families? 

What do I fear? If I stood on my ground and worked in communism military still would I defeat them and win anything? In the last images of my dreams a beautiful woman who was loyal and rich but embarrassed and poor then sitting on a chair in a line as an actor peeing in a basin under the chair on the ground for money when numb others in line doing other shows who never took a look at her and caring what happening around, each other them had a viewer in front of them and computer screen which showed movies, songs, her viewer was a thin girl who looked like an insane joker girl who looked  like Harley Quinn,laughed and smiled for what she did and how she felt.Before it happened some people escape from a big place which was dangerous because of something disasters.

Then dreams told me that anything about ghosts in real life is Not truth especially,is Not what they image,and show in medias.don't even believe or trust politics,how could I believe or trust other medias like movies ,they live in spaces? Perhaps now I'm like the drinker in the movie Independence Day 1996, everyone gets closed to me till the end of the movie unless I get back my dignity.

But I'm Not a star which I aren't, I'm who I am as only I can.some human are like this, only when they know truth when they hurt by it they stop laughing each other and hurting someone who tell truth.do they even deserve truth? Or it's just faith to tell truth.

Just get out of control of Chinese governments online, but seem like to have the end of the world,

Just making more money to take care of more cats, but more upset about how to use it for a longer time,

Just find a way out from ccp's falling, but make myself like a victim,

Just start a new beginning of life,but hurry to force someone to marry me,to have fun,to sex.

Just breath air of freedom ,but would like to a hero to break laws,be crimes, make troubles ,play politics,finish communism and save the world ,

Just know the world for the first time , but looks like a same rat being chasing in another hell,

Between imagination and reality there are abyss which can't try to go across for someone, for some other one there are mountains which are too high to tramp over.

I can make it.I believe in God.it's not impossible.

But could God forgive me who have lots of sins, do so many wrong things and make so many mistakes in my life.

No.abortion of the baby is the biggest mistake I made.rape is crime , but the baby was innocent.

It makes me feel I'm too evil to live in this world and dont deserve anything, especially good and bad things.

And I will not let anything especially good things and so called good things,including myself, to hurt my kids if I will have someday and cats in the future again.

For one more day they treat me as family,I'm still their family.for seven days I was mom of the baby,I' m its mom until I die.that's why I fight against and want to kill myself, to release who love me from my bad sides.

But they love all of me including my bad parts ,my bad is for protecting them.

No, and wrong.my bad is for protecting myself from letting them go back to where they belong and didn't say thank you.

Communism doesn't cause hell,communism is hell.

Carl Marx, how lonely you were when you were alive that you could only write down communism and Marxism to attract and collect and push all bad ass in the world to go to hell to stay with you after you go to hell? 

God indeed is the most talent one in the world.When he locks a door,he puts the key of another door in your pocket.

If communists and Chinese are too many to be destroyed at once.in another word it means that they are too hard to escape for one time.

But why someone start to blame Chinese Party of communism and China and even Chinese now after they give so much time for some communists and Chinese to escape when virus spreads from 2019? They want to use parts of the world which they can't control or don't know to take care of communism ? For someday when it's back? Or just one of them ? Or just try them best and can't make it ? I wanna to stop making so much noises here, these don't make any sense.okay, I'm fine. Don't give up.

In China, houses apartments rooms are communism jails which people buy for themselves to die inside with so called peace,dignity and ego.when they move in them, everything they need to breath to live to survive needs them to work for money to buy.and all works they can find in China are for Chinese Party of communism, are controlled by Chinese party of communism,are owned by Chinese party of communism.notice ? Traps.

In China, longer to live in apartments,more poorer in pockets.all prices ,even rate of dollars,are made by Chinese governments which belong to Chinese Party of communism.they don't care animals, pets,wild animals unless they can make money for them by life, or by death.they don't care them ,not because that they are too wild to control, but no big money to be made.more Chinese make cats and dogs have babies to sell,they sell few of them by high prices and abandon most of the others to create homeless animals.they use life of animals to protect their own life from Chinese Party of communism which use their life to protect itself's.cheats.

In China, who are real foes of Chinese Party of communism abroad? Nobody is born to be anti communism unless they are communists.perhaps for communists communism even never be created to do bad things from very beginning until bad guys use it.the real foes for communists are communists for real, or have connects with communism.or nobody even don't know how to start.if it's its destiny to betray, communism betrays everything.all wars against some communists are used by some other communists unless they can be against all the communists at the same time including themselves.advantages.

Now after grandma's funeral, thinking of Rog on Twitter, he may be a woman,or another man.all photos of his were a man who's alone, two hands with meal, a man on roads, a man in mirror.who took photos for him if he's alone? If he's single? The woman or man who's wife or husband of the man in photos. 

From the very begging it's a trap. But must wish them a beautiful future. 

Cause grandma who's also Aries never set a trap for me ,only full of trust when I always lie to her.the only honest word I told her is that my eyes become myopia because of being injuries by a so called best friend who's Aries, she threw me down on the ground when I refused to play a game with her and felt she's going to hurt me or wanted to kill me at that moment , my nerves hurt on the back of my head which were knocked on the stones, I was 10 years old. and in 3 days grandma broke her bones when she fell down on the floor in bathroom and lie in bed till her die after 4 months.it kills me inside. It seems like that the curse of the girl still goes on.but I can't be scared anymore.

Squirt first time in my life.a normal squirt.it seems liking it works when focusing on sex in head by image and relax.although you will not come to China anymore , hedgehog if you are ,if that's the right direction you want to lead me to. thanks.and thank everyone who help me and cats ,thank cat man helps me getting the payment.

I thought it couldn't cum anymore this time .but the silence was just for eruptions.hard to tell how I feel about it.how to clean the carpet?

 in dreams I was having final exams in a college.I couldn't write down anything until they were over.after that my teachers found me and talked about exams. They said they were disappointed on me when they looked angry. They told me to meet the headmaster.I found him, I piss off.I asked him why I needed to take these exams and have any scores when my friend dies, did what I learn and study make any sense in my life? He only smiled,didn't say anything but just smiled.

Dreaming Mr snake unthreaded the quilt of mine in bed as a black cat climbing on my  chest staring at me when I thought he would play with even sex me in bed under the quilt when he's a man.his parents told him who stood in front to learn how to be smart from me when he was a man then he became an unforgettable black cat when he was under the quilt in front of my eyes.I was shocked and waked up.rarely a black cat appears in my dreams, perhaps never before.it means he's indeed a black cat.now I understand.everyone loves black cats especially me.how many such mistakes I make in my own life.

After rescuing the kitten I made a dream that night.in a college which only had female students, at nights when some winds started to blow girls turned into someone else who had yellow eyes like cats,but not cats,evil offensive and like animals.when sun rise they turned into human, they knew what they were at night and some of them were very sacred of it and asked me for help who only wanted to escape from there.

Last night was the first 7 day of grandma's funeral.Chinese Taoism believes that in that midnight the soul of dead comes back to visit families and who they love and when they have something undone they will ask for help by dreams, or bless them and say good bye ,or hurt them.because cats are around me I think grandma can't get closer to me,Precious cilley meow angrily about 2 a.m. after running like a horse among rooms,I think she saw somethings, perhaps grandma.after that in my dreams she used shell of her alive daughter who's my aunt to find me and piss off on my way to school when I put water for homeless cats in the corner ,looked like she already knew I have 5 cats in my room  secretly and she told me to move out angrily.after that I dreamed the abandoned empty room which was the adopted kitten stayed was cleaned by someone who wanted to build a school by it.

Last Sunday at this time grandma still lived, in the evening she would die. Today I don't feel right at all.strengthened and strenthless and sad.nothing to miss when I miss.suddenly feel parents and me all get old quickly this week.after 4months it will be 38 years for me.and the world's still going to be the right side everyday. I can even feel its energy.

Why people would rather trusting lie when they know it's a lie? Why people would rather to be happy for a lie than being happy for truth? why people would rather trusting lies to cover truth than trusting truth itself?

Cause lies are stupid lies,truth is wise truth,people are real people.by truth they can see they are stupid, but hard to see how much stupid they are.when they become too stupid to see them,what they can trust are only themselves.

It's okay when you can't forgive, because it's what God does.I can't forgive ,but I can forget.

I went to market to buy special pan cake for mom who can't eat anything made by flour. When walking beside the road I heard cat screaming around,then I found a cat hidden in a gap under the flower bed.I bought a sausage for it,but it didn't eat,when I put sausage in the gap there the cat got angry and hide more harder.I returned home and took some water and fish can for it.when I kneel down on the ground to look for the cat another woman came and asked me about it.she said she drove by and heard the scream.I told her it's a black kitten but even if rescuing it nobody would adopt it.then she said she knew some shelters to find adopters,I blocked another enter of the gap and she asked some road cleaners who passed by to help and borrowed their gloves.they made it.the kitten was scared and pee when she held it in her hands.she showed the kitten happily to someone in her car.I thanked others for help then she left with the kitten and took it to a vet nearby for bath I think.Thank God.Under the banners of ccp 100 years' 'birthday' it happened.irnoy for me.Something changes into worse when something changes into better.It looks like even when everything is gone there's still something left behind which is called hope.Perhaps someone who help and save others are not hero for themselves , but for hero someone who're helped and saved are.in this so evil a communism country there's still something so beautiful happening like that.

I don't wanna anybody to come for me abroad, not because of that I indeed care their safety,but because of that for most of foreigners Christian Catholic who don't have Chinese looks where they stay mean to be their countries when they only are curious on China and Chinese.they never belong here,to China, to Chinese.

Don't know how to get my payment back without snake.

When could I get my payment on my own without helps from any other ? Work in China or move abroad, or ccp suicide.none of them can make me happy to see it happen.work in China,foreigners' bad luck cause lose me,move abroad,my bad luck cause lose home, especially natural home,ccp suicide,Chinese's bad luck cause they lose everything.

You cheat life once,it cheats you ten years back.

You cheat God once,he cheats you 500 years back and all 100 years of the past is gone always.

Hedgehog is still young, he has his own career instead of wasting time on his personal love on me to effect it.

Fox is little old, he has his own time to rests instead of working for families including me who needed him to drive to send me money by 2 hours every time.

And snake, he's neither young and old, has talent, trust his teams and stay in good ways, his future is bright.the only thing for him is to stay away from female, especially strong or rich or powerful female for one night love.

Do you think it's true to heal someone inside by sex which they work on it for live generously ? Only when it's a deal and business.

Do you think it will work to make Chinese loving you by coming to China in communism time like a hero ? Only when they love you before it.

Do you think it's not a cheat to get A+ in class by taking drugs happily like coping others or stealing answers? Only when you get A+ on your own without talking drugs.

No shortcut,no contradiction.

I'm just nobody from nowhere.no show,no fault. Keep a low profile.Or just another failure of lab rat/guinea pig in this huge communism test.

Stories are stories,fairytales are fairytales, movies are movies.even they are real in real life,protagonist is still not me instead.From my childhoods till now I feel bad for having a communism dad, a communism family,a communism country, a communism Party , now a communism world.no way out to accept love from who love me in my way ,no way to refuse love who I don't love in their way,I image I'm not human to try to have a normal life, but even alien don't like human I think, neither.how could they love me or back?

Always feeling huge untold things between me and the others.when hedgehog told me he will not come to see me in China , I feel disappointed. I looked forwards him to come to China to kill me and finish my fxxxxxx life after cheating me for sex and raping me when I would not say No a little bit like a bad ass.

Someone who want to suicide don't have courage to suicide but need helps from others, isn't it a joke?

I m tin who have so tragic a fxxxxxx life and things happen in my life, after these things happen on me,I still can't kill my self but only counting on accidents and natural death.but the most tragical and fucked thing for me is to die when I'm enough old I still do nothing for me to feel fxxxxxx great, when I want to die I can't die, it's a coward.when I live as me like this , it's a shame.

And there are something else bother me,too.when I was a kid, mom always told me to thank and reward someone else when they give us food, money and any help.she says there are too many other Chinese are suffer, hunger and dying because of what we get, why they give them to us instead of giving them to the others? The communism boss in military always says everyone in ccp is in a higher level than I do for me to service them, obey them and sacrifice for them by everything .so what's wrong to be poor  to die when we love each other instead of living on by communists ? What's wrong to leave military for me when I don't believe in communism but something else,like God and Taoism? whatever ccp and communists do in my life, I never want to thank them when others can, .is making me shame so popular in this way for anybody around me? Unless I don't think I have any friend,family and stranger.

Meeting/separating/marry/divorce,cooperating/using/hurting/killing and cheating/loving/hating each others ,even sex,money,work,die by and under whatever loving or hating ccp and communism,for me, it's just too much communism,too much breathless.to die in communism is too tragic to do.

So, forget and forgive them,tin, you tell them to give up and don't come to China for you first, then they all insist on first but give up in the end,they try their best.the only difference is how long they can fight for you in other countrylands.I know you want to stop them coming and saying they will marry you and have babies and raising them up and building a family  in rest of your lives to stop yourself from being upset by them who will break their promises always,but same result as you see from the very beginning, you are alone and lonely still ,nothing changes. you can't complain it by your own upset on them, when you must stop sadness for yourselves unless you learn from pains.you experience and suffer a lot in your life, but they can't. 

God is so mercy. or why you only become yourself, not anybody else? As beautiful as a cat itself.

It's sad that someone only love your body when you love them by all your hearts.It's also sad that someone can't love you and only want fun of sex from anybody for free.If it's love,it sucks. Sex comes from love for most of human being. but when I make money by sex only, I am proud and walk with God. I kick those fucking basterds' ball.

Funeral of grandma was great, although still laugh, noise and mad as usual.how many people cover sadness by laugh, cover pains by noise,cover themselves who have lost control inside by mad today, I don't know.but I know there are still someone acting cold, cool and control.

I came home alone when families who suspect me a spy of foreigner went to have lunch together.I walked to Wal-Mart and bought tofu which is white jelly being made by yellow beans.it's a Chinese culture to eat it from funeral.it means clean and come alive, reborn and no guilty, innocent.then I saw the date of it was June 6,the day when grandma left.I have tears in my eyes.she forgives me and let me feel I'm clean again,after so many things being happened in the past of my lives.it means a lot for me.

When parents came home they brought food for me.they were very happy when all families thanked me for me being present today.the food was their lunch before they started to eat.cousin bought lunch boxes and put food in them and packages them for me.but I'm still sad, not for him, all of them.grandma, I can't see her in real life now when I miss her.even when they tend to break your heart and kill your soul they still want your shell and body for themselves.what's fucking inside of them?like someone who tend to shame your body by hurting and killing your heart and soul inside?

Mr hedgehog left me.it's a perfect end for both of us.it's over.we both grow up.hope his heart starts to be together with his body, and find someone worthy to love in rest of his life.cause it's not about owning or control, but existence.

I feel good about it, but don't like anyone including him to leave and abandon me by talking bad on me,to protect hypocritical lies or prevent me to hurt or fight him back.that sucks without any dout,instead of fixing problems together only escaping by himself, it's why I don't trust men and IT engineers who are as suck as gays instead of being raped by cousin.that's not love, but love money.I  told him after sexing me whatever by body or in minds anybody can find their true love to marry.it seems like he indeed did it,whatever it's male or female ffor him.not only American say what they mean, but also Newzealand I think.hedgehog and snake are friends? They seem like a couple now,same bad ass.

Grandma,do you see it? Kid,I know you are with me now.

I'm sorry grandma. I didn't take care of your grandson well.I tried.

Yesterday I wanted to look for a second-handblack dress for the funeral when I don't have one,some are expensive,some are too far,some sellers don't like raining day and they will not do businesses.before I did it I went to local markets and super markets to look for a black shirt which's not as difficult as looking for a black dress.it didn't rain yet,although the sky became so dark.then after I got home with food without an expensive black shirt,it started to rain in 5 minutes.

I don't think I can stop feeding and having cats or not and marry someone in China as you wishes.but I'm not scared now, don't scared or fear to go on.

Rest in peace.

I know you are there looking at me.

[16:19.6.7.2021]Perhaps grandma knows thtat I can't cry , so she rains, perhaps grandma knows that rains make me cry, so she stops it.

love of parents are like love of this world,of this universe, of God, are love of this world,of this universe, of God. they love this world, this universe,God,because they love their parents,not because they love their parents for loving this world, this universe and God.

grandma,grandma,grandma her life in this world is ended, it's her time to start to be in another one.

i know it's wrong to try to stop me being sad and crying, dropping tears by making someone beat me, hurt me and even kill me for me to feel better. but I can't stop it by myself, somewhere inside is empty, but I don't know why it doesn't hurt. 

Someone say sorry to me about your death.I'm not happy but sad more when I think they notice I'm sad when I don't know if they are sad for me or not.

grandma.you are so impoart to me, you know? if  your grandson he raped me after you died I would like to kill him that day 10 years ago. if he piss me off tomorrow a little bit on your funeral for just one second, after tomorrow he can regret why he isn't born in hell forever.but I know whom planed it together have been punished. So , I will do nothing but pray my baby to be in heaven and stop torture them. it's not his/her fault.they aren't worth.They can't hurt him/her anymore. I love him/her, I never regret that I had and aborded him/her.just move forward and be free.the 7 days when you were in my belly were the only light time in the 3 years' darkness.

So what's marriage?

A woman which is a college you can never graduate from when people say more knowledge you know, more further you are away from God.A man which is a brothel you can never redeem yourself when people say more sex you do,more closer you are being a monster.

It doesn't make any sense a college is a redeem for me in my dream last night.

What's the fucking wrong with it? Are all colleges and brothels for human only teaching and selling them shit which are only about sex and porn? Does it mean a gay who wants to sex with a female body?

Does a monster have any faith? I think so. and when they have faith they are human and not monsters anymore . But some human don't like it when they think monsters are just monsters,only should be lower than themselves who are monsters and not human anymore.

Mom says on the cheats of grandma's body there were some prickles.connect?

[3:18.6.7.2021]I made dreams. In a big white college A young rich asshole caught a baby boy and forced it to be horny and let him to fuck his ass or he would ask his beaters to kill him.then he tried to rape me who's running out of the college and met another men, perhaps we all were student,with a baseball bat to protect me and fought them back.can't believe I dream this after grandma's death.anything about the wound on the neck?

As usual,whatever how hard I try to be kind to anybody around me in real life or on the internet, fox,snake,hedgehog,nobody say anything about my grandma's left. How bad I treated them in their lifetime and wanted to hurt them in their eyes.Nobody says I'm sorry you lost your family or I'm with you when what happened in my life yesterday , nobody says don't worry everything will be okay and she's in heaven now, but only try to hurt me back by means ,sick and speechless things when I'm weak sad and loneliness.that's why I don't have families,friends or lovers. I don't wanna to tell how failure for me to be a person,but how bad all this bullshit is,more bullshit than politics,that's why I would rather to talk about politics than to connect so called human being.

Looks like my body will become very very very ill this time.I can't be too sad.although bad things always come together.perhaps not all bad things yet. Perhaps it's why I'm on the internet and use vpn to meet them again.know 3 men in 5 years, it can't be too fast.so why I still don't marry ? I'm not in/on/being a heart of anybody.

[21:00.6.6.2021]I got the phone call from dad, she's gone.mom wasn't scared of being with grandma at nights, she was scared grandma might die at night when she didn't.mom told me she's scared at night with grandma when grandma was lying beside her and dizzy, couldn't speak, but grandma died in the evening before sun went down, she heard it and didn't wanna her kids to be scared and worried,and did anything for herself . all mom loves their own kids in their own ways. If anybody loves God and Maria,why they can't love their parents? It doesn't make any sense for me.for kids parents are god and goodness.for God and goodness they are still their own kids.

Chinese communists and Chinese love to do same things together for rewards of ccp and love to do same things together for stating away from being punished by ccp.

Be careful.

Especially when they have secret connects which they don't wanna you to know.

They are used to cover up the truth and make everything more complicated and tempt attentions of the world again by a rewrote history of Chinese communism Party.

So cheats lies and betrays are all second natures of Chinese? No,just some of them, and among these some of them parts are communists and parts are refugees ,or both,who I can never be.

 [18:32.6.6.2021]dad hurried to drive his car to go to check grandma after mom's phone call.mom said grandma stoped breathing right now.

In the afternoon they say all families visited grandma today in the morning when it's a Sunday.information spreads fast among Chinese.mom asked dad in the call how could it be so fast when they prepared for months to take care of grandma till the end.

The first thing I don't understand is that when I saw grandma lying in bed in the morning I saw her eyes were covered by mists.they were grey,no light.I kissed her headache three times and prayed for her in my minds,and told her God's with her, loves her and leads her way home and don't scared, her breath started to be smooth after she's hard to breath,lights came back into her eyes again.she looked out of the window, blue sky and white clouds, peacefully,looked like already being in heaven looking at angles,she could feel pains and starts to yell instead of being numb .I helped parents cleaning her body,changed clean cloths and pads,sent location of the apartment then left by mom's request.she says she's scared when night comes with grandma.but I am not,I don't feel anything wrong when I was with her.

The second strange thing is that after I came back home, I feel too tired,I ate a lot, three bread, two bowl of noodles and one tomato.I did too little things with grandma but I feel too tired ,feel like running out of my strength.

The third thing is that I then feel hurt on the neck after I got home .there is a wound appearing suddenly,I don't remeber where I got hurt by anything or where it comes from .only cross necklace on my neck which should not.hurt my in this way.it looks like being bite by a snake, or a vampire.I  took a bath and it feels little better.I put antibiotics on it now it's not turning into darker.it doesn't make me feel wired until dad asked me back when I told him about it:is it so much fast?

Grandma's 90+ years old.as a Chinese it's a very long lifetime.still remember that in 2009,in  5 minutes ago before my first cat dies in my arms my left arm had serious rash.after I buried her all the rash was gone.

never fight against ccp,but only fight for myself

this morning mom told me to visit grandma her mom who's running out of her life for one last time.last night they got phone calls from families and I didn't even think about it things become so sad.they say grandma stopping eating now,although she ate a little in past 3 months in bed.I will go to visit her this morning,after 3 hours.

So I don't have moods to talk about June 4 today.when I first knew about Tiananmen square in June 4, 1989 it's around 2010 after I use VPN to connect internet in China to get through Chinese firewalls.all about it looks like a lie behind national firewall.I read it online by vpn,because some Chinese post online in YouTube.I actually don't know what happened that day when I was 6 years old in another city, and don't know which one tells truth about it ,what's the truth about it in history.I have no judgment on it.

How many people died there,no real data but only gossips.Lots of lies still in gossips,some one use a big number of victims for own benefits ,for Looking for foes,although I think something happened that day.Not only about what people say,Someone seem only tell parts of truth and use lies to cover up the rests.Because if they tell all of them,ccp should has been damaged immediately like Soviet.but it doesn't.I hate lies for self by death and life of the others after about 30 years.

They are dead. And things become worse after they died. Even if I honor them can I change anything about it? It's all fucking political bullshit.it's not what they want to see if they are still alive today.

I don't think I have done anything which can honor them to be hero etc on my own,they are just something which want a normal life whenever they were alive and after dead. the only thing I want to do is to fix What's wrong by communism instead of using injustice ghosts again and again and again each time every year to last my own fucking coward's breath. and what only I can do is to let them rest in forever peace.Because I never fight against ccp,but only fight for myself.I don't like someone who fought against rich Chinese first for being communists in 20 century ,now fight against ccp for being foreigners in 21 century,finally they will fight against all foreigners for being Chinese, or someone who immigrant abroad by robbing Chinese in China and take money from ccp for fee when they live abroad corrupting local governments by pretending fighting against ccp,even become someone who pay labor for money by fights against ccp when others pay own life for their life

I'm sorry about their death.but what only I can do is only what I can fucking do.

Mad for wins,love for God.

It's a terrible thing watching someone who are familiar and good to you turning into bad ones in China .tragic  shame and pains on victims who they love care and respect make guilty poisoning jailing killing them inside,make them become who they hurt, hate, revenge by wanting to be strong,to be fine, to be normal. In a wrong place doing all right things is wrong unless doing wrong things to be right.stupid, but true.

Whatever you wanna to be,you can only become yourself.I feel more things when people separating sadly,but being together happily.I know it means in my life it effects me a lot,makes me stay away others, like to be alone.

Yesterday was June 4.I tried to get some white candles,but no stores or markets sell them.Chinese seem to forget things easily, I think it's not only because they are Chinese,but because they are in China.

Several dreams last night.I met someone important in them, but can't remember their words when I wake up.love which reminds pains of the past is not thinking of joy of the future.

Looking for an useful divination in all my life then just find that I have already brought one when I m born on the earth.

Make any reason or excuse or let others kill and hurt each other are politics and morality which are as same as human mad(e) as communism.Perhaps sometimes you have to be mad for wins,but usually you must love for God.

Don't know whether some one feel down because of envy others or envy others making them feeling down.whatever which one, envy comes from someone or something which they can't love or don't have, which are the best for them.but how could the best exist for them when there's no greed in hearts? When the best exists in their hearts it can only proves that they have been pure for being a playful fox, a  revenegble snake,or a thankful hedgehog .they are all deity in Chinese original culture in north east of this land for a very very very long time.

In my dreams dad-or someone else- told me to find someone who take responsibility for me to marry.that's why I'm still signal I think,cause the only one who take all responsibility for myself is me.what a cold summer this year.