8.1.5:00 went to send some food for cats and visit graves of kittens.buires crosses for them and then in the rains I saw a white shadow like the kitten in the grave on my left looking at me very closed.I was shocked then I tried to see it again, it disappeared, only grasses and trees which are brown and green, no white anymore.she's there for me still until I'm back for her.was it a good bye,kid? Yes, it's good for me ,I know. best wishes for you also.take care and get heaven safe.

sometimes people are worried, angry, scared, crazy, hurried, mostly because they don't even care.it's why they pretend to be like these.you love them for their better lives and next they live better without you.it doesn't mean you have magic, but that they care something else instead of you.it's why you love them, don't you? Because they can do what you can't  do , for you. sometimes they laught at you, hurt you, rape you, curse you, blame and even kill you for fixing their own problems, answering their own questions, paying for their own purposes, finishing their own suspects,atoning their own sins and getting rid of their own fear.yes, love and love of the others  is one of their ways to take care of themselves, also.but love, is not only one type like love stories and movies and fairytales.

when i realized i was eating I noticed that I was sending some food to support this corrupting body for making it be trash for another day. it's wasting food, it's a shame.

what's love, instinct to keep others alive? to keep me alive? instince to live on, to survive, to breath?if they are love, no need to find it, because it happenes everyday. is it cute to find love when it's already happen on you everyday all the time? everything and everyone can love you in this way, is it neccessary to need a specail one to love you or to love for you when you are loved and love everyhing and everyone?you're alive because of love, aren't you?even you die,there's still someone alive who can't stop miss you and cry for you death. love is unconditionally, love is selfish, also. love is beautiful, love is ugly, love is none of my businees, but love is all my business for you.like that you are a cat, but I still love you.you are dead, I still miss you,by and in all my life.

what's meaning to divine this fucking life which means to be shit like this or like that when someone even pay for knowing something which mean to be like this or like that? whatever what kinds of divination are it can't change anything!

Basing on human nature, internet makes and shows that people staying further away from each other and getting colder in lives, although someone says internet is God's gift for Chinese, I think if I can't start over again after fails and give up and stop trying again, for me it's just another way to die alone.

after the kitten die, I spayed another thin mom homeless mom cat and after operation.she acted so ubnormal and scared,run everywhere,scratch 3 people and scream and piss off in the vet.an the doctors came out of the room and told me that she's already pregnant and he showed me the embryos, 6 together in a line about 3 to 5 cm each.then he turned into the room again with them.I set her back to where she lives and returned the vet to look for the embryos.they refused me to step in the room but found the embryos in the garbage box in it.I took them back with tears and cry and buried them.under the tress with a cross.I was late,if I spay her more eailer, no kitten die.but the doctors and nurses looked so happy,they said the sacrifices should be there. They are communism demons.and the doctors even took videos of the operation to kill kittens of the mom cat inside of the room for purpose,although their operation is cheapest 150CNY for homeless cats.I just noticed that she knew everything that her kids would be killed and tried her best to protect her kids.she was a great mom.it reminds me aborting mine kid after rape.I wanted to bury my kid also.but the hospital took it and no chance anymore.

Then this morning  7.31 i looked for kittens which are kittens of the mom cat, a kitten which I loved so much and came to me first everytime  didn't show up for the first time.she's the thinnest weakest one but always the earliest to find me than the other kittens.the other kittens appeared and were frighten out and angry at me and trying to attack me when I put food for them around . Something's wrong.then I  found her in the end.ther kitten died,drown in the water butt which is settle around their shelter in someone's garden to collect rains.about more than 1 meter high and 50cm deep water inside, too fatal for a kitten.I cried and buried her under another tree.some man around there heard me cry and left as fast as he could when he just was curious on what happened. I don't like it.the kitten was different, she didn't stay with her families but alone when others rob her food and water she just stayed away from them and watched at me peacefully.when I called them she run to me first and even didn't care anything else, happy for what I took for her always and talked when eating them lime thanks .I imaged a very long life to be with her together.now I can't image anymore.why I'm still alive, why I haven't died,my fault if I was not late she might still be with me right now, with her families.yesterday when I put food there and she ate so happily with her families for the first time which didn't scratch her back.too much death this year.for me it's too much bye.hug who you can hug, love who you can love.if my life is teaching people how to love, I teach, if my life means to be single and lonely, I am.

you are not alone,kids.that's not end yet,I'm sorry I can't promise you anything in where you are, but i'm the promise for you here,I'm sorry I didn't dream you when you were here, but I'm not your dream, I was your family.everything will be all right.life is too short, unlife is too short, do what you wanna to and don't do what you don't wanna to do,as soon as possible, before it's too late. I'm always very proud of you.whatever happens to you and me both.I was so happy when you were with me,talked with me,found me.thank you very very very much.I'm sorry.I'm so sorry.I miss you.

To be honest,the blue area is where flood begins from July 21 by communism reports,red areas are somewhere start spreading virus from July 22 by communism reports,Xi Jinping visits green area in XiZang from July 21 by communism reports on July 23, perhaps more earlier.Xi's face is showing full embarrassment and shame of being an evacuees and fall back by leaving billions Chinese behind suffering dying on his right when his wife looks like betraying him or their marriage is breaking down in videos .except this just one thing is needed to be talked, they know what would happen from July 21, earlier,because they knew what would happen by what they did? again after Wuhan which might be an 'accident'? Then the only thing they do is escaping for themselves,playing around in some places and don't stay in Beijing or HeNan,or NaJing,they, no, he can't get anything from it and nobody wanna or dare to keep him anywhere . flood first, virus second, visit is a zero. how about ccp blows up dams and sacrifices HeNan again where has a lot of infections of virus to stop it spreading in China after sacrificing WuHan for political purpose ?  or floods wash out virus to spread in China badly? what's the truth? these infected cities are mostly capitals of provinces and strategic cities.is it another ccp's plan.they wanna collect money from Chinese by virus?after I notice that water from the government's street cleaners to wet roads and streets is sanitizer with bleach water instead of clean water everyday and ccp rules Chinese to use Wechat and alipay to shop and live by phones without cash for someday they can leave all Chinese dying without electric and internet unless they obey and compromise them, I can't suspect more than what i read and see.ccp kills people in HeNan where they wanted to fight against? HeNan was going to spread virus again and someone destroy it? If all infections are lies, what's the truth?

I'm sorry for saying that I'm a Chinese but I'm Not a communist.Because I'm not a communist so I'm Not a Chinese.Thanks.

I remembered when I was a girl why I was so skinny,because every time when I was hungry ,mom stopped me eating and got angry that all food was for dad and his friends ,but she ate them all when dad was drunk and didn't care me a little bit.I only remember I think the best way for me when I was a little girl to suicide is to keep myself starving to die and they will not feel guilty about it. after I grow up I chose to forget them,so I can focus on taking care of them especially mom who chooses to telling me good things she did like that how difficult she survived, how difficult she gave me birth and how difficult she took care of me,but I was almost dead by her cares times because of her carelessness and mistakes, she sometimes still laughed about them when she tells them to me,and says I should repay her everything I have for her giving birth to me.but last weekends she piss off again when she treated dad badly again. Dad works everyday and only has 2 days for rests and she still likes him to do lot a of house works and says it's a revenge for her house works she did in the past everyday,dad chooses to suffer it as usual.I choose to protect dad again and told her it's too inhuman to do it,she feels being betrayed for her cooks which I eat and wats she thinks she treats me well. she's attacking me again and stops me eating what she buys at home as usual when she robs to eat everything I buy as a mom who should eat all I have especially fish, meats and milk ,because she thinks everything dad does in his life is her rewards for revenge she dosa like a wife of his, I should not be shared with her. Honestly she doesn't pay anything she has most of money being used for bills is dad's.she makes little retired payment from ccp but always love them.she's so happy to see me using my money to take care of them but saving her money with keeping dad's money in her pocket and says it's for her to take care of her disease.every month she only needs to buy expensive pills to heal her diabetes and she never mentions it.dad pays the bills of renting apartment, water, electrics and gas.I pay internet bills, food and snacks.actually I stop eating meat for stopping hurting animals  ,then I see after that she becomes worried and pushes me to eat meat, even mix meat in her cooks and don't tell me there's meat in it when I told her I have promised I don't eat meat if I eat meat it's not good for myself ,because I don't buy meat anymore. After last weekend I event eaten what she buys anymore.in this morning I only ate bits of steam bread ,an egg and milk which I bought for them.I don't touch her things and cooks anymore. In her minds she should have all I have and I should not touch all her heave including my dad who can be treated in any way , she doesn't do anything anymore and everything she does is for paying back as a selfish, masking and puzzling her brains wife, mom, daughter, it makes me feel sick. I never have a normal relationship with anyone here but insane communication. I don't understand why mom attacks me when I protect dad who is attacked by her, so I don't wanna to have anyone around me to be attacked  because of protecting me.because for someone who are shit think I don't deserve to have , to be protected .it's indeed sick.why someone make me feel that if someone else die,suffer and hurt they must  live, be and feel better? Are they mad?

The kitten appeared this morning,thank God for it.she prefers fish cans than chicken livers ,so I left them there.she almost missed them, then suddenly looked like her nose coming back and smelled the smell of fish when she was going to escape away.and started to look for it and found them in the end.happy.but I met another weak kitten today, dirty and skinney.doesn't like fish cans but chicken legs ,more scared than her and needs more help when there will be a big rain on this Friday.her mom ignores her when she only asked fish can from me which I took for her kitten.planed to spay her tomorrow but perhaps after the rains will be fine, cause wet weather doesn't help for the wounds to be healed and easily being infected by mud when I set her free from the vet.God bless all the cats, God bless fox.

When I tell ccp s evil killing Chinese and don't care them a little bit and bad things they do in China,parents always piss off and threat me to move out and says why do you wanna all Chinese to die and why not go to America where's good as you think, they still are effected by ccp seriously, and aren't themselves.they even don't know who are their daughter now, as desperado being controlled.

Ccp doesn't separate families apart, ccp gets into them and laugh at me to take care of my families which are not them when they push them to die for itself.

Karl Marxs said that 'from each according to his abilities, to each according to his needs'.but how about a kid who has abilities to lie when he needs having fun , a man or woman who has abilities to kill when he needs money, a political party which has abilities to destroy when they need power.is it fate of communism to give them everything they need? Is a communism society something being built , made up and controlled by these guys? or he just wanted using these sorry basterds to damage the world which he thought it's a bad one?

The fact is that in communism China now for powerful communists who fight for Chinese Party of communism everything they want is free being sent from Chinese Party of communism,even other one's life   if they want,for slaves and others who work for living  to pay for powerful communists' free things everything is expensive to buy from Chinese Party of communism, even by their own life although they don't wanna to die.

Whoever raising up Chinese party of communism or blaming cursing Chinese Party of communism, they are all on same boat of shit.what they do are their own choices,which are responsibilities and duties for themselves.

Once I thought someone meant to make more damaged troubles and death in flood of ZhengZhou in China to fight against power of Chinese Party of communism by releasing flood of dams there partly.Cause when being possessed by , harmed by,  fighting against demons, if there's no death or pains or hurts , only wins and rewards and happy endings, how can they be evil? Unless someone who don't know or believe they are demons, the proof is what Chinese,WuHan,ZhengZhou and even the world 're suffering now.When there's sun,there's sunshine.where there's no sun,there's no sunshine.

It's always that someone who I like don't like me but others when I don't like someone who like me but others.how terrible my cooking is and sacred them away,that's a weapon. I imaged me and him-the cat- could be  everything and what he wants is only hurting me by reality for fun . He said my cousin who raped me by body before he marries is monster, then after he raped me by minds he does worse things by turning to someone else who he likes most. No regret by what I tried, why love is always so gross like these ? or internet is such an interesting thing to have fun freely ? The only difference between rape in life and rape online is that the first one covering up victims' mouth, the second one criminals keep quiet. If they feel shame and don't wanna others to know they rape others,why they do it?  they are Not god. They are disloyal bullshit and never fear punishments from God for rape.I don't understand why someone use a lot of money to fly around for one night love or sex. Be signal, be all right.there's still some fish can left with chicken livers and leg.Tomorrow morning 's going to check another kitten which's scared and sick and looking for its mom all the time and treat other adult cat as its mom and ask for licking back and pet,but the thing I worry is that it only eats after the adult cat eats and doesn't eat much.I hope it will still appear and will be fine.

Good news is that fox says doctors think it's not looking like cancer and they will discuss next week.there's still hope.feel lots of better little bit.hope he gets well soon.

Bad news is that I think he can't be a good husband for me ,but a real bad friend if he keeps flirting someone else including me like calling horse. same things happen every time,is fucking mess.but I just hope they are fine , healthy, happiness, whatever being with me ,love me, care me or not.cause whatever good friends or bad friends, they are friends for me still.at least real bad friends are much more better than fake good ones.cause too tired to protect them when I have to protect myself.and whatever real good friends or real bad friends, I don't wanna to lose any of them.fake friends whatever are good or not, they're always fake.

God's the best. Love you,God.thank you letting me known the truth.

Alibaba taobao bans and delete my profile image on it which was a cross and notice me I broke rules of theirs and if I do it again my account page will be limited and frozen.the excuse they do it is that I used the profile image which is garbage including leading traffic to other websites , advertisement, pulp(or vulgar) , and abuse.so what is it for them about all Allegations of theirs? A cross. Black cross abuse them which are charged completely by Chinese Party of Communism?So it's not guilty that they prison and watch someone who fight for freedom and liberty ,who are jailed and tracked because of freedom and liberty in China ?

On the way sending food to cats in this morning I saw a woman sitting beside the road badly.hee head was in her arms and lots of red spots which are bitten by fleas on where she slept outside on the grasses or somewhere, old dirty shows, and stocks and cloths, short haircut ,an empty bottle in her pocket to sell for money by picking up in garbage ,no mask.I thought she's homeless and wanted to give a hand.when I was down talking to her she covered her mouth and turned into another direction,it made me feel sad and bad about Chinese governments and communism covid. Then when I mentioned that I wanted to take a mask for her to take a bus home,she started to put hands down and talked to me back.I said I could give her some money to buy a ticket of bus,food and water.she refused.I asked what happened to her,how could I help her, she just kept quiet then left after I told her something is wrong now but everything will be fine and take care,she even doesn't have strengths to walk but staggaring.I told her to be careful and safe, she said yes.indeed sorry about Chinese suffering , whatever good ones and bad ones.but there must be an end.one of the question is that when it will end and how long people can hang on.have to do something instead of talking next time and take some money with me, or it may scared homeless people and pass by someone who indeed need a meal.

Mom always sarcasm me that everyone lives better than I do when she knows and see me doing my best helping others and even try to. If she doesn't lie,it must be told by a washed brain when the communism boss of mine when I was in communism military keeping telling me that all communists are on more higher powerful level and have priority that I do.same brains being washed fully.my mom doesn't join in ccp like dad,but she lives and survives and is proud of being something of ccp, I can't have any pity on them.they aren't my parents anymore.

Xi just sends his men to HeNan where have built many strategic things and progresses and made lots of people to be against Taiwan even attack Taiwan by huge money few days ago to charge there, big rains appeared and floods were discharged.no real numbers of dead but only communists package bodies quietly, news before floods and after are all deleted and lies.

It's a war for Chinese Party of communism to fail. For some foreigners  out of China these Chinese who were dead and are suffering should not be human kind but ugly demons and monsters even animals to win their respect but die only.for some Chinese foreigners they know there's no use or helpful to accuse ccp by their guilty or sins or purposes for murders who meant to send them to die and be punished by God when they still do it by scars,madness and losing control.

The only way to stop wars is letting it happen and kills parts of someone who cause and join in and refer to wars.in wars there must be someone to die, to peace bitterness and feelings of being treated wrong too much.this war can't be stopped,cause something must lose .

Why Japan surrounded unconditionally in history, they indeed don't suit wars,like Taiwan.

And why America helped China to fight against Japanese those years and ignored KuoMinDang which was against Chinese Party of communism first politically when lots of American hero died in it, it's a big mistake they make which they want to use Chinese communism to rule the world in the past , which they must fix it now. Chinese communism Party indeed is the ambitious legacy of WW2.or everyone everything is paying for it in the future.

Hate, complain, blame, no. I'm not perfect, can't do these to any others anymore.

God,don't take fox away,he saves me and , some cats live in China because of his faith in you.he can't get sick, can't get ill,can't die,yet. I should, I'm a better choice for your to take, I know he may have another woman connecting , but it's my fault.I should make it clear that I will not use him to marry, to go to America, to be used by someone for me when I don't believe they will happen as he tells every time .I should have refused him every time when I just don't wanna to hurt him or break his heart or steal his soul.I should have burned all diaries which I wrote in 25 years including rape for his advisement and trust him that everything will be all right for a new start. Cause he's blessed by you. I know also. I will not marry him, but I can be his friend.he's a good friend , he can be. If they love each other.let them be. Not their fault.he's not alone. let him live.it's not his time yet, I know it ,he fights for America , he's loyal to it, he flies to China with you and changes a lot of things as a miracle from you,although he doesn't like Biden and democracy party,he still fights for trump who fights for America still, give him back to us completely,I still have lots of things to do with him,lots of words to talk,lots of things to laugh together, he shared everything in his life to me, now it's my time to share everything with him. Everything I have,save him,he's a hero like all American soldiers do and did,thank you.

Just focus on the truth, no problem.some Chinese philosopher said, 'appetite to eat and desire of sex are nature of human being.the nature is that wanting to eat delicious food is not only for fix hungry stomach, wanting to sex beautiful bodies is not only for having kids to carry on family's name.this wants and selfish are nature of human being,  It's as similar as animal'. and another Chinese philosopher said ,no,' human being have goodness which are different from animal.mercy, personal loyalty,polite and wise'.if Chinese cooks or food is a talent art, how about Chinese sex? When they both are used to make money for live or survive in communism China, how can it be freedom?

Another kitten which looks like the kitten died yesterday appears this morning meowing for food.so I think it's not the missing kitten in another place, but the kittens live here near by my apartment. Another homeless cat in another place is missing for about one week.she's a mom white mom, she gave birth for 9 kittens which I found in the communism empty building and she never gives up her kids even when she's weak and skinny and hungry.she takes food for her kids every time and eat last.even when kittens are growing up and rob her food which I prepare for her she never beat them but let them eat first and turn to me for more other food sweetly.where is she? Every time when I call her she jump out from anywhere and meow to me , walk and run to me and pet my legs . I found a big rat beside the food bowl for her last time . And now her kittens which are 3 left are around garbage box for food without staying around her by her callings. Is she okay? Give her back to me.too many sadness this years, grandma's funeral , dad cough badly at night, fox has cancer,the kitten's death.flood , blood, covid still kills in the world, governments corruptions,lies, betrays which cause thousands death everyday, Olympic's spreading virus,empty pocket,less food, hotter weather, messing rains .No way out of this life.somethings I don't wanna to live.but if I don't live when I die what can I do for it? Only when I live on I can do something, even just are  little things, one bite of food, a helping hand,to try again ,  they can breath. Where are you, kid
,come back to me, to your kids. I thought I would spay you next after snowball, the operation she did should has been yours when you're missing. We fix it together,okay, don't leave me alone here.you are a great mom, God's blessing you, don't give up.I don't wanna to give you up yet.not this time.not the time to say good bye yet.no.I refuse to.it will break my fucking heart.you know it? If you wanna to break it I will break it.cause if you don't go back it will die anyway.just come back.

God,help her.help them all.Wherever you are, take care for someday we meet again.

Thank you , God.I found them.

The kitten died.I buried her under the tress with my small cross.I pray that it's protecting her and saving her from demons and darkness with God.I buried a lot of cats in my life, this was the hardest one I could even not finish once.she's one of the most I loved.I even questioned that why God did this to me, she found me to bury her somewhere with cross,be with God. Not at all. She wants me to believe that there's God anyway.oh my God, my heart's been broken.tears don't wanna to stop dropping off.God.what could I ask you for? Pls take her to somewhere she wants to, safe  warm happy ,i will be there if I can be someday.  see you later ,kid,you were so brave and i loved you. see you later my Miss little box,keeping my heart out there safe.

I cannot help fox ,I can even not save the kitten, what can I do.

Yes, kid, you are right.life is too short to be sad.

left my apartment at 8:00am and return at 16: 34 now.did the operation,thank God finding her in the end who run to me with a male cat following her for babies when I was going to give up. and waited for operation in vet by half an hour and operation needed half an hour. It goes well.but need to set her free after she gets awake.now here to keep her inside and can't make her dressed for safety.I hope the wounds recovery well in next few days and she could come when I call her to have meals again tomorrow and don't lick the wounds until it bleeds. but the kitten's injury was more serious than I thought. The maggots were everywhere on its 1/3 body by the wounds near her anual, and full inside of her anual. I had to return to the store to buy some medicines and tools for clean and kill them one by one first. The fee of vets are too expensive darkly to pay for it. and feed her some medicines still to kill maggots .there's reason that she gets weak. Nature's cruel on another side.I feel I don't save ,but atone.flies and maggots know rules of nature.I'm against it.I know I can't be against God's wills. but the kitten run towards me for reasons,too.she likes to be pet and purring even though it hurts by alcohol and medicines . I want to get her back from death and have a long good happy life.in personal.a kitten which was called Gizmo looking like her died because of my mistake years ago after I met fox who loves her most. And can't ignore it and leave it alone.

fox told me today he gets cancer.he's still hanging on for the result on Friday .God bless him that it's earlier to heal than being late and it's bengin.I told him if he stops drinking and smoking I may become his gf, then I became his fiancee when he he says he stops them,I just want him to be healthy and love for a very long time,don't know if he kept lying when he still drunk and smoke,don't know if he smoked again after we break up or not.but he's a man who don't use money to enjoy himself but for his belief and faith and for you,help him stopping smoking.he's a good dad father and grandpa who will have his third grandkid.he's so busy working taking care of his families and don't take a rest when I keep telling him to do, he may not be a best husband,bf or fiancee for me, but he can still be my good friends.God gives him enough chances and time to do what he wants to do.it's not his time still.God bless the kitten making through and all suffering life, help me making my prayers to be real.thank you.

Today I lost 1kg in 8 hours.feet are hurt,so are legs.walk a lot and get sunburn which makes me itch for allergic of ultraviolet ray.and no time to do excise even when I want to do it,but I only want to stay still for a while.

This morning when I went to send food to the white cat,the homeless kitten appeared and walked towards me.it doesn't wanna to get closed to me and got angry at me when it got closed to the food I put around it.I caught it.it's too weak and skinny to run away.around belly there were some dry dead fly eggs and ass is wet and smell that something is wrong.one paw has a big wound and has maggot moving with pus inside.I didn't wanna to take it to the empty room which belongs to ccp army without guardian ,it's so risk.but can't risk its life again to set it back to somewhere make it become this , at least let me heal it until it gets well ,so I can set it back .thank God for everything ,thank everything for these kindness things happen and let it come and turn to me.

I still have some money about 300CNY .I want to take a female homeless mom cat to do the operation today to stop her pregnant from yesterday, and got the hill's cans to feed them. so now the cans will be shared to the kitten, and the mom cat will be still done the operation today. Connected the vet yesterday and they said for homeless cat the price can be 150CNY each.that's very kind.

Hope I can meet and catch a mom homeless cat at least . And everything will be going well today.the only I want to know is that how to keep the kitten comfortable safe well inside of the empty room which is wet ,dirt and hot,no disturb ,keep ccp away from them.

I asked mom this morning which kind of cancer her father had, she said it might be stomach cancer.but I told her when I was a little girl living with him and grandma , he smoke a lot everyday and night.was it throat cancer or something?will you stop eating meats or sault things for diabets and don't ask me to buy meat for her? will you stop drink to live longer a little bit from liver cancer ? She piss off and said minding your own business and get married for me and your dad to be healed by your marriage.I laughed a lot inside, if I can heal you by my marriage I could marry million times, but if I don't marry or have kids, is it right to treat me as a bitch or whore and deserve to take care of you in rest of my life by sacrificing my own future? Why do you watch communism news when communism news are telling lies and don't care how many Chinese die in floods,if someday it says grandparents are still alive, do you believe ? Will you believe?

This morning dad also told me to have Chinese communism vaccine again when I told him that in Nanjing airport 9 employees have been infected by coronavirus.and the first thing he said that you should have the vaccines soon.I asked him back is it my fault that they infect because of me who don't take vaccines? They work in Chinese communism national airport and still be infected, they should have vaccines indeed and still are infected ,communism vaccines are no use at all.

This Chinese communism system is a system killing,not saving as American does.to have trust in communism governments and believe in ccp is to have piecea of shit.God bless everything everyone in China in the world which is ruled and harmed and depressed by demons, punished all which have unforgivable sins in Chinese justice flood.God bless fox, dog and cat, any other one who give us hands by risking themselves for God, Jesus and holy spirit .thanks.

With love I'm real, so I'm not real without love.I don't feel I'm real, so I don't love myself.it's why I need others to love me for being real,but they don't like me as real, and don't care a real me and me to be real or not, neither.so they leave. I don't think I'm real when I'm with them, so they don't love me for real.someone don't like me living with parents, someone don't like me living with cats,someone don't like me living lonely only with myself. If they don't like them, why do I live with loving them? I can't live without loving others? any other else but myself? If I love them,why they can't or don't love me back? (18:22~35pm,7.20.2021)

There are many kinds of bitches in the world.each woman is partly a bitch in some ways,that's why I don't wanna to get closed to them,because I don't like to be judged or judge any gother .He just likes bitches, but tell me I'm a bitch.He just likes a bitch, but I'm not a bitch. If he tells me I'm a bitch, so I become a bitch to tell him I'm not a bitch, can be bitchest to help him leaving me for it when he doesn't ask for it,cause I don't like or wanna to be a bitch. If he wants me to be a bitch ,so I must make it happen and become a bitch to stay away from him.that's why I don't wanna to fall in love singly. Sucks to be played for moral games as sacrifice for male badass who flirt another one second when someone loves them first. I think he doesn't wanna those ones to be hurt by being called bitch,so I can become the one who are hurt most like a bitch once, but for me keeping sex with bitches can only make him become an asshole always.

In zombie movies they kill zombies until they become zombies to be killed.they can't stop killing zombies and continue killing zombies, not only because they can be infected to be zombies which kill them back , but also because they know they are not only killing zombies, but also human which turn into zombies itself to save other human.I know I'm killing life by my stomach and hurt someone , I must save something and be hurt when I m killing and hurt myself.

Someone who kill and hurt must be killed and hurt, someone who are killed and hurt must kill and hurt back.it's a loop, not a trap.end the loop by stopping myself.

Start chats for sex, end chats and leave me for sex.fair enough.I appreciate it.leaving earlier is better than leaving later for him, or them.

A porn thing can't fall in love.to be human again, to be real me, don't make any more mistake about sex which brings rights, freedom and happiness again .isn't being raped because of my arrogance of own body and desire of sex? Stay clam and keep doing excise.

I think sleeping is kind of excise or skill also for me through the gap.

Yesterday I saw a skinny kitten appeared when I put food for the white homeless cat around my apartment.It's so scared and I can't catch it and take it to somewhere safe.I kept trying and kept failed.it's so weak.the kitten suffers a lot these days.hope I could see it after 3 hours in the morning and it will eat something go keep strength. It's doing best to look for its mom.its meow stick in my heart every time.I cried after I return from trying to take it to the shelter.I think I know its mom.he tried to stay with the white cat, I give good every day for another white mom cat around the shelter which has similar color size of babies and these days one of them is missing.

I booked some expensive but useful cans which can keep its max strength in a short time for it,it will be delivered soon.money is running out,need to spay cats, indeed wish to cash in the end of this month unless miracles happen.

Why China won in ww2? It should not.It's been a big question for a very long time when I was a kid at communism school which keeps telling me that win of China and Chinese is exchanged by blood of lots of dead revolutional Chinese and communists, ccp is the best and the only one defeats other countries' badass and China gives me new life to live and everything's all right for it etc.someone who sound like monsters sucking blood can win any war in this way? Nobody can do. why someone like Japan who do right things need to apologize and surround unconditionally, why someone like Europe who help China to develop leave China and hurt inside? Ccp takes China into a wrong direction of history from the very beginning and opposite way of right things and goodness. China and Chinese become bad with ccp, most of them.wars which make blood bleeding and life die, it's never the way to win but falls in hell.

Why I help cats here? Perhaps , because for me they have more freedom or liberty than I do.but these existence of freedom liberty are suffering and being killed by me us who live as pigs and tools or trash like what we do to the whole world,I can't get my hands back which are moving to give them. Guilty? Responsibility ? Consciences? Use? Cheat? Trap? Who the hell know!? I'm totally sick about (stupid arrogant) politics effecting people to know myself.if anyone suspects me (and others) who save rescue help homeless little animals (or do any other worthy things) here with me ,you come here (in China) and do/try it by yourself! But I still thank God and you all who give us a hand.thank everyone and everything ,they are all worthy I know.(2:00~5:00am,July 19)

 

I'm back home.The skinny kitten was seen on the center of the road when I tried to look for it this morning,it escaped fast when I tried to get closed to it,I found a piece of trash and put food on it from garden.it's eating well for what I took for it a plenty of bag food with juicy fish can and dry food together for today.By hearts miracle happens always.but whatever I do for cats or not, if I don't do something ,perhaps I just and only can say is that I'm sorry for all.I don't wanna to apologize when I still don't try my best to do, or thank someone who still don't do their best to try . Not the time to give up still . (5:23am, July 19)

Well.Mom never bought dresses I like or want when I was a girl and she only focus on getting what she wants and likes, even now.

She always blames and cursing me being a female when she's blamed and cursed by any other for giving birth me,I though she's a victim of discrimination of genders until I realize that she wants and like to have a male to be her kids also.stay away from her and someone who harm me well together .

Be careful of someone who are communism Christian to make me compromise communism.and they are Chinese, even if someday Chinese are not communists anymore, when they don't have any faith, and good purpose, they are still the worst nations in the world being against always until something change.

Is money drug for someone who have talent or not?only focus on it and ignore everything else.and money makes human easier to be controlled by somebody,is it their plans to rule the world? Can money make everyone happy or not?

Getting old.even sleeping there's nose to try to stop me breathing well.but never too late to save the world.

Is my time coming soon? Even dying soon, dying as myself.it's truth. Is my life starting later? Even alive later, alive with dead.it's a promise. 

Haven't eaten meat for 3 days.feel body getting strange.more empty, no thing to make me feel heavier.

Equal is good.American is great.but only suit siners who believe in God.

Destiny to be couple? To be wife? To be my husband? No, my destiny actually isn't that easy indeed.

Chinese women are so poor that they need to pick up some asshole who aren't more asshole than other Chinese to be their husbands when American female can only choose some princes from some gentlemen to marry.then I see the truth , Chinese women make Chinese men asshole when they pay for what they hurt.American women don't but love American men by gain the way they love.

I have limitation, but, it can help someone to be free,to do right things , have a good future, it's worthy.

Dreams a girl had some marks on body by Japanese language,who feed homeless cats turned into actresses and actors to be rewarded in cameras.

Only one way to put on weight when lots of ways to lose weight for normal healthy good people, why they pick up the only one way to put on weight when avoiding all the other ways to lose it?

 

Remembering the little puppy again which I saved from a big hole before the big rain on my way to check cats days ago.its mom took it around there in the grass,then she lost it when it's screaming in the hole. I jumped off the hole and picked it up, she looked at me on another side of the road alone. I called the puppy and puppy following the sound and run out of the grass,when it saw its mom, it run to her happily and left together.why she took her kid there when there's a big hole in deep grasses? The puppy dropped in it or she wanted it to drop in it or she wanted to teach it how to jump out of it by a test and let it know it's a hole to avoid in the future .why being born in China,why not in American,Russia, North Korea, British, German, Switzerland, feeling like that somebody take me to drop into a hole which I can't climb out on my own, if nobody gives me a hand, it means it's a way to make me strong and test for me to jump out of it and move .if there is help, I think it's the same meaning also. Something never changes.

Indeed more crazier minds of the others for me,more making senses of truth for them.cause I'm crazy.

Sounds like eagle screeching for three times.although it was a mountain before where I live.feeling like a woman being attacked nearby in little rains.

Yesterday inviting mom having a lunch and she looked very different and happily.24 CNY, couldn't buy a health body,but a better realize of life to connect with instead of being isolated at home alone with me and dad only for 40 years after marriage.bought a dress for a granddaughter of a communism Christian's who usually wearing a dirty old dress,and is refused by the communist who's grandma and saying she believes in God in a communism church when they can buy 200cny a lesson for the go to learn playing piano in communism schools and luxury cars to drive but asking for second hand cloths from rich communists families to dress the girl .they said :  thank you,but mail this dress back to the seller , we don't take it. It's my dress still when they don't accept , why they tell me what to do for my dress always? Like anything they try to cut in. Sucks. I don't pity them from that day, but see what they are and who they pretend to be. Don't wanna to connect them why more . but yes, like to give what I love most to others to pay back what they give me.I thought they treat mom well, so I need to pay it.perhaps it's their own business, not mine.still my fav dress which I dreamed to have a rainbow when I was 11 years old.after 27 years, I find it.

Four times now,3:50am.fifth.3:51.sixth.3:52.never notice any eagle living around, birds? How big birds have so loud and same screeching times? Want to save it.daytime for me it's like dreams,but nights are good waking up.Perhaps it's a train in the train station.

To be a female pig climbing up a tree should not be crazy.need to get more stronger and strength for escape.wild angel,crazy angel is more exactly I think.comparing to be scared to be someone, more interesting to be happy to try to be someone you wanna to.there are lots of things which only talent people can make,there are lots of things which I can't make,so just trying to make, it's not about a result,cause it is a result before I do, but about something just starting like faith and love.marriage is my own business, not anybody else's, like the dress I pick up for myself.Jesus, why you are so beautiful?although 24.05CNY for me to get you, but you make my heart beat again, feel like I have had you for a very long time.but whatever , it's children's dress.

To an American dog (snake):

Stop accusing and blaming and washing my brain again by telling me I'm ignorance and have bad life habit or making up an imaginary world . Stop getting greedy on what you can't have on me.  you make me feel I deserve  being raped by anything you point out on me.anything . I don't wanna to marry or connect or make so called best friend with you.just need you to send my payment of cb back to me when I fill your btc wallet address down in my profile of cb to make you get them first when I cash each time.for it I treat you well and help you to live on normally in a right way and positive direction and be with you all the time when you need me for chats, naked body even masturbates online c2c, help you practicing Chinese for little money to feed cats, to do your homework and tell you goodness of life even nature, even God . If you need me, stop hurting me in this way,every step you walk towards success and become a better you, it's how much I suffer and hurt for a worse me. And if you still expect more on me like what my mom does, you d better changing me into another teacher who isn't as right as I do. the hurts for me from you make me only feel that you can't become better,  because me being raped and my own life which I do best to keep,take care and protect it.if you believe you are becoming better or good indeed instead of giving it up and releasing all anger on me only , protect me instead of harming me time after time.you can't accuse me who don't give up for you who want to give up all the time .you can't blame me that you can't be better because of me who have my own past, like you have yours,you can't become better than you expect, cause you harm me too much instead of you having talent as much as you image.harming me can't improve you.what improve you is myself, not my pains, neither. but I'm not a toilet paper. So don't be a piece of shit to me when i think you are more than a shit for me.because when I need help you help me.when I cried for no money to feed cats 5 months ago, you sent your money to me,although I worked it off soon by practicing Chinese.that's fantastic humanity I have ever seen before, to be trusted.to help you for improving.I know I can be used by you, it's why I trust you for paying it back by your help to get my payment on cb,it's not an image but basing on your nature.even if it's an image,is imaging wrong?

I'm not pity you,neither.

Just doing what a normal friend can do.

                                              From a Chinese kitten

Men only love and marry someone who can and  break their heart instead of cum hard.cause only when they are broken hard,it means they love hard first, only when they love hard first ,they can be broken hard . There's no love first, even if they cum hard, they can't be broken hard,so how to love hard when they cum hard? Just another rape again and again and again, after on body, now by head.sucks.that's why Chinese say that if men's words can be trusted, female pigs can climb up trees.

But they are still friends who help me whatever they think about me,I help them. It's what I could do.So even if they are strangers for me,they are happy because of me,I'm happy for them also.they come to me with fun and happiness and all good things in the world .they share joy and smile and pure with me,even send tip by their property.So when they want to leave, want to go back where they belong, whatever how much I love and miss and thank them,I have to let them go.I'm in their lives ,but I'm not their lives. I need to move also.it's my life ,which is from nowhere and nowhere to go.

When kids are kids,they like jokers,when they grow up they love batman and superhero.it's cruel,but it's true.I'm not a hero.I'm only myself.but if kids have to laugh by a joker who must turn into bad for being punished by batman because of them. He deserves a big hug from back in the big rains right now. When do jokers become a bad and terrible existence in these years after so many Hollywood movies talking about them in some evil ways? They suppose to be happy childhoods of kids all the time.when they need kids to grow up so fast? Or need kids to stop growing up so much?When there's arrogance and ignorance and other 7 sins,there's goodness and badness in the world. Isn't super power power also?

But yes,if a good superhero is a joker who laugh and make people laugh all the time even when they suffer and dying, it's not like God's will. Jesus. when kids are kids,they love superhero like loving God, when kids grow up,they make super money on kids who love superhero by God who is sold for money which is worthy nothing at all? When someone wanna superheroes,they created them,when someone wanna jokers and communism,they created them, when someone wanna demon and God,they created them also? Do they exist before they are created by human ,or are existed because of being created?

Made dreams again.some classmate of mine in middle schools who came back in Australia to study or play or work connected me and wanted to sex with me again, he called me in real life to say he wants to fuck me 11 years ago like a disturb or flirt or a joke which make me feel very bad and scared and depressed before I was raped, I refused him . But in dreams I thought i could use body to make him who's disable feel better because of being friends when he only wanted to fuck me instead and pleased his friends by it.I already took off my trousers,until I refused when I saw what he played, I left there, he laughed and picked up my trousers for selling a price like a beggar . I guess I had to walk home when I lost my cloths which had bus card to take buses,then I found my coat and got it in my coat. Nobody laughed at me at all when I only wire my pants to go across the road.it's a city like Gotham.it's indeed to be lied for no trousers to wear.my life has been cut in so deep by male ,and female.love can be anything, but anything can't represent love. It's like that science can explain truth,but it is not truth;Jesus is Jewish, but not all Jewish are god.

My true love,I know you still haven't appeared yet,and I know all men who connect me for help when they need me are possible to betray and hurt even kill or destroy me and damage my life again someday, so and but you'd better jump out on your own now, or if I find you, you dead. Making me waiting so long and spending a lot of time to look for you.I only marry one man in my life and no divorce, raise up baby and no fucking bullshit, can't be born in same day but can die in same day natruely and don't leave each other behind with missing another one alone alive lonely ,am I clear. Don't let me tell you that cats are more better loyal than men. Cause I started to adopt and rescue and feed cats by donation of money and encourages of an American fox who says he will take all of us home and love all of us and now he will never come back again.I thought in the end I would go to America to be with him alone and abandon cats by myself, or he took cats home , then I see cats are the only ones who have gratitude for me by their own lives to be with me and love and respect me unconditionally , not him at all.then American dog, someland cat,beautiful fiance, best friend and sexy girlfriend online? No,just a tool , a toy and a doll underground which can be threw away and burn down and  banned any time . but I still thank them and God helping me adopting cats,saving life of theirs, and keep on their lives in my room secretly till now and keep them safe with me always.it's worthy than mine to do.

Comparing to these lies, cheats and traps, rapes are just farces.

Know your destiny,know yourself, so you can stop blaming and complaining God and any other else.you thank and appreciate for goodness they do to you, but not your fault that you are not the one they choose,need and love.

Ruthless is mercy, because it's God,ruthless is ruthless,because it's God.

Foreigners can live in China and marry Chinese.but but it's hard for them to see everything which hurt their heart when they know it's rule of communism governments which they can change alone.

Read that death valley is too hot and people there are suffering and in danger for it.but they stay with heaven by God.it's not hot here,but in my heart I see hell everywhere.

It's too feel a dream for me now to wake up.the most terrible part is that there's still a sweetest dream in the most terrible nightmare which is called marriage and falling in love.fuxk.

I need to wake up.or just finish the dreams.what kind of dreams need me to make by opening eyes, daydreams.so perhaps only need to fall to sleep.again.

 in dreams after swimming in classes me and other students started to clean pool.then they were leaving. But after they stepped out of the room ,some other students from other classes hit them and pushed them back,lots of them hurt,but then they turned,eyes had black things like demons possessed.and became very very evil.started to dance, and found other students to hit,to turn them into demons again .I hide under the desk.they dance in the room around desks.I hold my breath,nobody seemed finding me, even including a demon cat.another girl run out of the room and show me to run with her,I wish she didn't call me by hands and still hide, demons seemed blind and didn't see her.I was caught and my eyes had black things,too,but still some white left.a demon looked at me proudly and push me sitting down on a chair and told me to take off the mask who didn't need it to cover up the fucking evil face anymore.it seemed like it thought it's ugly inside already, what's the matter to care about ugly looks instead of being proud of what it was? But I felt it's more ugly,so didn't want to take the mask off as it told , piss off on demons about making me demon when I didn't want to and didn't let me cover up the ugly face .and I felt strange if I turned into demons, why I still knew it's ugly, I hadn't turned completely and if others were in similar ways? then when I was escaping I saw the girl who wanted me to run with her, she turned also and looked happy with other demons and sang together ,didn't know if she's a bait for me or when escaping she was caught or not.then my eyes turned back and fixing cars with dad.then wake up by cats again.it's already 4 o'clock.

I think it's about shopping yesterday , less connect with any others and stay at home , less possess I pray for it.

Virus is not the most dangerous terrible thing keeping human staying at home. the more dangerous terrible things are happening under the cover of virus which is a political tool to keep slaves inside until demons win someday by fighting against hero who fight against them for human lonely.God help heroes, God help them all against demons staying away from fatal hurt and death.

It sucks that someone have used so called truth to push others into traps to be used for benefiting themselves . Also sucks someone follow around those so called heroes like flying around shit when doing nothing but making lots of noises without any truth or evidence.

Does China make so big a population for ccp someday to eat when they suffer hunger in the world by being isolated ?they will make human meat in China and sell abroad for money? Billions Chinese can be feed all human in the world?

Check cats, bought a lunch for me and mom.bought a dress for mom online.bought mine online also.after having lunch,taking mom to walk around Wal-Mart.some stores sell cloths and we got in 3 stores,3 different tones.both of us don't like shopping in real life, especially doing things like female.because we can't be treated equally by other Chinese who first watch what we wear then treat us by them because of being judged by anything .it's like today they almost kicked me and mom out and think we were going to disturb them doing businesses with other customers .I don't always understand why in this country when I pay or can pay same prices of money which make them more harder and cleaner by own hands and body instead of cheating and lie to each others by communism the others treat me more easily and scornfully for what I need.I m not the one who cheat or lie to them but Chinese Party of communism.why they hate me so much? shopping in communism places when I hate communism is a fault,perhaps.for everybody here.

Yes,I'm born to be poor in pocket,but it's not a fault. And communism Chinese Party is so bad and evil, it's why I want it to die and lose, is it my fault? Yes,being poor in pocket is not a fault,but being poor in pocket in a communism country China is a fault,perhaps.for somebody today.

All sinners judge each other in this communism country for believing in communism.money is their maintain standard.can't blame,can't complain,can't curse to change this country.can't destroy,kill and hurt it,neither.but must do something. I'm not a saint!

To join in ccp and become parts of it needs to pay anything to it.virgin,sex,blood,life ,money ,dignity, freedom,even families. It's conditional evil. Ccp punishes others for its own mistakes.ccp is a mistake,then it says it's some communists' fault and call the punishments on these communists anti corruption.  Ccp steal the whole country's money and put money they steal abroad in own accounts.they can never be a great leader or saint or savoir. They are only thieves and losers, liars till the end by 'being driven by fear blame hurt and kill each others for the sins in themselves when they exploit what divides them instead of what unites them(The Banishing 2020,1:31:31)' . God bless all his children and stop evil harming them always.

So finish complains , life still goes on. Grandma should not miss me,I think. Such a bad girl for her when she's alive.my life still sucks.

When will you stop mixing your own life to others' and be quiet for a little bit?

Hope fox can find some right helpful medicines to heal his throat . pray that it's not that serious and can be healed if he can take some rests for a long while instead of working too hard by his age. So will be dad's nose . And lungs of both them . Don't wanna to lose anybody.

Unless they wanna to lose me.

In dreams a young white big snake left me.mom cried for grandma again sadly.classmates in communism college bullied me again but I started to fight against her.

It's more real than best dreams.But it's still a dream.

Waking up from dreams is waking up from everything.

Now I know what sacrifice and commitment meant.

Even this life is not mine but all goodness' making me exist.

No way to kill yourself for it.

No qualified to die ,yet.

my past in the future

Unfairly , Chinese Party of communism steals everything in the word from the very beginning till the end, not only money by hands of Chinese, but also love, trust cares, respect,even faith.

When you get something from someone and something , instead of returning back good things you want and prepare to harm and kill them. It's a mistake.

It's the biggest mistake ccp makes.Trump who was a good President could push ccp out of ways to become worst .but he was Not the last hope of ccp,ccp destroys it by its own hands.they just want to use him when he wants to use them.

In China we says when God sends disasters to you, you may still survive, but your own sins are what you can not escape.

Yesterday when having lunch,dad told me something about his little brother who has 4 kids who are much younger and all married,two of them can't have babies . I don't know if they indeed can't have babies or they just don't wanna to have babies by lying to families when they still wanna play sex. After that dad becomes more silent than usual.

I seem to feel my chance coming to be a big sister by having my own baby ,to be a good mom and show them I can be,then I feel it's a punishment that there's something not right of all families on father side about indulgence of fleshliness when on mother side it is for desire of sex.

if I didn't abort, I would never know I can pregnant because of other families' cheats or frame and I would fear to having baby to be a mom always for being the sacrifice of lies which are used to fight against ridiculous communism pressures to have babies.I would think it's curse of family not to have babies because of abuse of love and sex.

This is my Independence day and I don't know  why I wanna to kick their ass who use my pains of life to have fucking fun first before I ask them why they can't and do this.and ask they if they can't have babies why they corrupt ccp to become another communism cop and tell their parents they want the communism stable job to make bigger money to prepare for having babies and raising them up.

Is it my fault that in a communism country such a me who's ugly and normal and bitch for any other else don't wanna to connect them, love them and touch them in any way any time any place ? no.

No, it's not a punishment, or a curse. When I stay away from communism, I stay away from everything here , especially what they control and rule,and have , but get closed to what they can't ban and buy or steal, such as truth and crimes.

Why on father side all older families including dad would rather believe that younger families who may be only 30 years old can't have babies because of physiological problems than believing me that I can't have babies or marry because of political problems, communism failures about no money to raise them, to date until I'm so late and dangerous to have babies?

I don't think I have any proud if I can't pregnant or have babies by my own body.

Dad bought a job for his sister in my city, then he invested her to come and live here.then he helped kids of his little brother come and live here also.I never stay close to them and meet them rarely as strangers when they are strangers. Do they hate me for it? Does cousin on mother side know some of them can't have babies before I did, then he found me to rape,because he thought I can't pregnant for his responsibility, and it's why he laughted at me when I told him I was pregnant after that and looked happy when I told him there's surrogacy when he talked about his friend can't pregnant and have babies? Or they paid cousin to rape me? Harm me by their lies for themselves ?

Fuck.For making money and pleasing somebody they can use and kill their own kids and families if they don't wanna to be used or killed indeed? These are God damn motherfuckers.

Yes.Trump is great.but he's Not the only fucking standard of falling or rising of America. and even if he wins someday, the winners are Not only him,but also all American who don't give up  together,with God.

Sad.in dreams grandma on mother side piss off because of cats i adopt,but didn't mention rape a little bit.she doesn't wanna to make shame of her family even after she dies.Whatever happens Chinese always prefer their own so called pure blood ties , half of their blood ties is nothing . but for me without love anything especially blood ties only means nothing. it's why whatever how hard Chinese Party of communism works communism is only keeping destroying China in past 100 years.it's not ccp's fault that they can't try to keep communism staying in China or make communism do good things for Chinese. but , it's their fault making so big a mistake.

Communism doesn't come from China.it's not that  Chinese Party of communism is abandoning China, but that communism is abandoning Chinese Party of communism, and going back to where it's from.

If so,America isn't its aim, but in the way for stopping it.

If communism is indeed a ghost, it can possess  Chinese, it can possess European also.

If it comes from European, it may wanna to go back its noumenon for complete natrue power to release . if European don't have enough faith of God or good things, they can be communists or somewhere else instead of Naiz someday when they are too weak in spirit,instead of overcoming it, because of virus or something.In this way coronavirus can be just a smoke ball for the start of the end of worst.why it's not surprised at all. Sound like the lord of rings.is it possible? Yes.and the only same thing is that the whole life in the world may fall again,then communism loses.

That which has been, is that which is to be, and that which has been done, is that which will be done, and there is no new thing under the sun.Ecclesiastes 1:9 ^

I don't eat friends of human, whatever dogs, fishes, cats, or anything else . it's not called human being.

so, he says he wants to cum inside,because wanna to have babies , if having babies he says he looks after me and babies, and marry, but lots of pressures to meet my parents.but if I don't wanna to sex with him,he say he will deny me ? I say I want , he says he will use condom, so there will be no baby or marriage, so he doesn't wanna to marry me . So just sex, no love for anything.it's a trap.

Dad watched ccp's party on t.v. on July 1 and he doesn't like it at all.

Love for Chinese and love for American aren't the same.love is when Chinese  want or can hurt ,you don't. But for American love is when you want and can, you do it .I  think there's no such a bad American to love like Chinese. I still believe there's good in human being.

Although experience a lot of sex now,but no experience of love. in fact don't have any so called love experience well and longer than 1 month even when it's a show and use. don't know what's love and how to love another human well.even though tempting easily and successfully by what I have and have fun by them ,what can it mean for, just a fresh new beside this human's most dangerous secret.liking someone makes me happy already, to love, what could I do for it! Marriage is not love,but comes from love,perhaps,more than love, if there's no love I can't marry. Need to learn to love first for marriage,or nobody can gives me a marriage before love. May be it's too late. I can't play games,I don't have fucking times.the worst part than it is that I'm scared to love and take care of anybody especially myself.

Watching movies , comic, and books. Not because of their stories excellent , but because of having no way to know how others thinking about me and my life. So , why not just telling truth to each other instead of making movies , comic and books to sell for money and fame to the world?

Isn't it a lie which everyone likes to trust,to love, to pay also? is a lie truth when everyone wants to believe it ?

if America is a farmer who saves a communism snake which is China and the snake bites him back, now this farmer doesn't wanna to stop or can't stop the snake which is biting others and destroy the world, unless he has already died by the bite he has no reason to give up and get off all responsibility of the mistakes he made.

Overly optimistic,nagging,lonely I am for Mr hedgehog,fox and snake.

Well , everything isn't getting a little better yet.but it doesn't effect me to feel much more better for a little while.

I think it's love when a male doesn't touch my body when I don't want it .then after years I think he thought the same thing like I did, until I know love isn't only about body, but heart. I think I don't love anybody, because nobody can touch my heart, so can't touch my body. but how about I'm just the one who don't know how to touch hearts of the others who want or wish me to do it when they think I know how or love them ,too?

Perhaps all I know and think and being taught which it's right and normal and use to obey or follow in my life, is wrong,will be wrong.because what kind of lies can be transparent between truth and heart? Like air between earth and universe?

Like my parents who think loving ccp and communism is loving me and loving themselves, protecting ccp is protecting me and themselves. The only connect with each other in communism is the last humanity and instinct left, as zombies of communism virus . so called blood ties , so called love, is their desire like blood . everything is twisted in this country. Or turn. But only communists are whom turn into being worst from being worst.

When there's trust ,there's lie to be punished by God .But when there's no trust, there's only ignorance to be judged by demons.

Is human just an employee or property of a company's which is called heaven&hell? is it how human world runs? Now Chinese Party of communism is a losing-control robert.